Ep. 143 Healing from Miscarriage - theuncensoredempath.com

Ep. 143 Healing from Miscarriage

Listen Here:

In this episode, I discuss:

  • Ending the stigma and silence around miscarriage
  • Sarah’s pregnancy story and discovering it was ectopic
  • Sarah’s decision for surgery or injecting a chemotherapy drug
  • The unknown, uncertainty and questioning Sarah experienced
  • What can lead to miscarriages and tubal/ectopic pregnancies
  • Sarah’s detox protocol from the chemo drug to rebuild her body’s strength
  • Grief as a gift & giving yourself permission to feel your pain

Additional Resources:

BOOK: The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief

Noted psychotherapist Francis Weller provides an essential guide for navigating the deep waters of sorrow and loss in this lyrical yet practical handbook for mastering the art of grieving. Describing how Western patterns of amnesia and anesthesia affect our capacity to cope with personal and collective sorrows, Weller reveals the new vitality we may encounter when we welcome, rather than fear, the pain of loss. Through moving personal stories, poetry, and insightful reflections he leads us into the central energy of sorrow, and to the profound healing and heightened communion with each other and our planet that resides alongside it.

MEMBERSHIP GROUP: Empath Leaders

This monthly membership is healing for the healers of the world. Your impact will only grow as far as you grow yourself. Inside this container, we emphasize more embodied feminine leadership and less trying to fit into masculine molds. You will be invited to experience a breathwork session, a group coaching session, and a healing session every month in which I bring in my whole healing toolbox. You will also have access to all the Uncensored Empath courses and programs for 10 to 50% off.

COURSE: Healing Rampage

This 12-minute meditation infused with bioenergetic frequencies helps to transform your mindset and upgrade your healing.

Episode Transcript:

Welcome to the Uncensored Empath, a place for us to discuss highly sensitive, energy illness, healing, and transformation. My name is Sarah Small, and I’m a life and success coach for empaths who want to create a thriving body, business, and life. Think of this podcast as your no-BS guide to navigating life, health, and entrepreneurship. You’ll get straight to the point, totally holistic tips from me, in real-time as I navigate this healing and growth journey right beside you. This is a Soul Fire Production.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to a solo episode. It has been a while since it’s just been me here talking to you. Before I jump into today’s storytelling and sharing, I just want to put a little trigger warning, right here. Which is, if for any reason, it is too much for you to discuss, or hear about miscarriage or abortion. Then this episode on pregnancy loss is likely not for you and I encourage you to skip right on over it. If you’re here for my raw, open, vulnerability, then welcome.

You may already know that my husband and I recently lost a pregnancy. And it’s something I’ve been really open about on social media, but I really haven’t discussed on the podcast yet. And in many ways, I think the reason I haven’t discussed it on the podcast, at least, not directly, is because this is one of the most direct ways of communicating with all of you. And it feels the most vulnerable for me. So, while posting about it and having all my words thought out, was one thing. It’s a whole another thing to just be speaking from my heart without notes, without a plan and just to share my heart with you. But today I thought, I’m ready. I’m ready to talk about this. And my hope, my intention of sharing this is, that even if you haven’t experienced this in your life, that you may know somebody and the likelihood that you know someone is very, very high. I’ll share that statistic at the end.

That you might just send this episode to them, to let them know, that they are not alone. I can’t even tell you how many hundreds, literally, hundreds of women I’ve heard from, since coming out about my miscarriage journey. I was shocked. And at the same time, not. Because, I know it’s taboo, our culture has, in many ways and forms made it taboo to talk about this. Yet, here I am, a couple months ago, living this experience and going, why the fuck do I feel I can’t talk about this? This doesn’t feel fair.

Ending the stigma and silence around miscarriage

Where did these rules come from, that we’re not allowed to talk about something that happens in one in four women? And yet, I’m supposed to stay silent about it. I’m supposed to make people feel comfortable by not talking about it. God forbid I make them feel uncomfortable. Or share what it’s like to go through a miscarriage. So I’m saying, fuck the rules, fuck the standards. And we’re talking about it today.

So, Andrew and I got married in October, and we knew pretty soon after that we would be ready to start a family. We’ve been together a while. Now, it’s a little complicated. But about five-ish years we’ve been together. That’s an episode for another day. And we decided, and well, actually what happened was, I got mold illness in December, early January. And so, that slowed us down, because I went through a whole mold illness, detox. We had our home looked at. We did a lot of things to get rid of mold, and mostly mold in my body. Actually, it was mycotoxins not mold spores in my body.

So, after a couple of months of mold detox, I thought, okay, it’s time. My body is a healthy vessel. I have invested so much in the past three years, in releasing toxins and balancing hormones. And now, I have this man that I am so excited to make a baby with. And around late March, April, we started trying and by May, we found out we were pregnant and I actually posted a little clip of this, on my Instagram if you guys want to go look at it. It’s interesting, because I shared it, and it was the day we found out we were pregnant. And then, when I rewatched the video, both the clip and then, the full thing I haven’t shared. But there’s a full, longer video that I have on my phone. And when I watched that video, I actually, still get really excited. It makes me really happy because that moment was pure joy. Andrew has said differently. He said, when he watches it, it makes him really sad. But for whatever reason to me, there’s such pure, authentic joy at that moment, that I can still watch it. And I can actually still feel the joy that was present. I can feel really happy. Even though obviously, the thought of what was to come, also comes up.

Sarah’s pregnancy story and discovering it was ectopic

So, it was early in the morning, and it was Andrew’s day off. We decided we were going to go get him a coffee at the local coffee shop and I usually just ride along. Ride along for some support or some connection. And I got up, and I knew that it was about time to see, that the test would maybe show up a positive. And I thought it’s still pretty early, but whatever those Clearblue pregnancy tests say. They say, five days early and I was, well, it’s pretty much five days before my period’s supposed to come. So, I’m going to take the test and just see. And sure enough, I got a positive. It was a digital test so actually, it just said pregnant.

And, I had planned, I’ve been planning this for several months actually. I had my assistant go onto her Amazon account, and order this little baby onesie that says daddy’s pit crew. And my husband loves formula one racing. So I thought, okay, he obviously knows we’re trying to get pregnant. But I still want it to be a really fun surprise when we do get pregnant, to be able to share this with him. And, so I had that little onesie and, for months my husband had been pointing at my belly and saying, baby in there, baby in there, baby in there? At times it was annoying, but it was also very sweet. Because we were so excited about maybe there is a baby in there. I don’t know. So that morning I found the test. I took the test, and I saw on it that I was pregnant.

And, my whole body started trembling and shaking. I was just so excited, but also so nervous. And, I took my eyeliner, and in the mirror, wrote backwards on my stomach, baby in here. And my husband was in the other room so I shouted for him. And I was, babe, there’s some weird thing on my skin, come look at it. Which is a total normal thing for me to do. So he came into the bathroom, where I had my phone set up and recording. And I lifted up my shirt to my stomach, so he could see my stomach. With him thinking, he’s going to look at some mole my stomach. And I had the words, baby in here written. And he was in shock. You can see it in the video. He is in complete shock, which is surprising because we knew we were trying to get pregnant.

And we knew it was very likely that we were pregnant. And, still, he was super, super shocked. And then, we called our friends and we called our family. Not any more than maybe 10 people. But, we told everyone, we were just so fucking excited. And we celebrated, and we cried, and we were in disbelief. And that day is still one that makes me really happy. There was pure, unadulterated joy at that moment. And then, I call and I’m, what the hell do you do? What do you do when you have a positive pregnancy test? I don’t know. Are you supposed to call a doctor? And so, I called local midwives and, they’re, no, just come in eight to 10 weeks for your first ultrasound. See you then, bye.

I was, oh, this is scary, that’s in two months. What am I supposed to do? And I started to get comfortable with the idea of waiting and pausing. And okay, two months we can finally see the baby. Two months, two months, I can do this. I can wait. I can be in the unknown. I can be in the uncertainty, even though the world feels like a shit show right now, I’ll let more uncertainty come into my life. Okay universe, I see you challenging me here. But by around June 3rd my intuition just really started saying, something’s not right. Something’s not right. And I went into the midwives. I said I would like to schedule an appointment. And they’re okay, fine, whatever lady. So they let me come in, and they’re why are you here? I was, I don’t know. Can I have some blood work? There’s a feeling.

And they were like, is this happening? I’m like, no, no, everything’s good. I just feel like I want some blood work. So, of course, they are, okay lady, here’s your blood work. Go take it to the hospital and go get your blood drawn, and we’ll see what happens. And when I got that result back, my progesterone levels were quite low. And also, my pregnancy hormone level was also very low, lower than they anticipated. So that raised some red flags, but nothing to be super freaked out about. They just said, let’s do more lab work, more blood work. So, I went in again, and again. And you want to see a doubling? No, I can’t remember. I think it’s a doubling within 48 hours. I’m pretty sure that’s what it is, of your pregnancy hormone levels. My levels did not double.

So, it was the weekend, and that’s when I started to have pain. This pain is unlike anything I thought I could ever describe. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It was completely different than a period cramp. And the way I described it to the midwife was it feels like someone’s stuck up a giant Lego, into my vagina, and it’s stuck. It has embedded itself. And so, I ended up calling the emergency line on Saturday, because they’re off duty. And I was like, something, what the hell is happening? And she said, you can come in or you can wait until Monday, we’ll do one more blood draw. So I thought, okay, I can, it wasn’t excruciating. It was just uncomfortable. And there was also sitting in this massive fear, around we’re pretty damn sure this is not a viable pregnancy. But I still have to wait to actually see.

I remember when we got that phone call, I was sitting on the stairs, and I put the midwife on speakerphone and Andrew was next to me. And you could just tell by the tone of her voice. Bless her for being kind, and compassionate, but you could tell the second she started talking. And those words came out of her mouth, and she said, this is no longer a viable pregnancy. And it’s a gut punch. It hurts so fucking bad. It feels so unfair because something that you already started dreaming and planning for. That you’re so excited about, that you already love. All of a sudden it’s just ripped away. And it’s so different because it’s inside of you as a woman.

And yet, there’s nothing you can do at that moment. It’s still inside of you. So by Monday, they confirmed, this is no longer a viable pregnancy. But what my lab results also showed, was that it was a tubal pregnancy. Where the embryo gets stuck in your fallopian tube. So we have two, the right one and the left one. And they asked me to come in. And on the phone, they said, we need you to come in right now, this is probably a tubal pregnancy. The options that I had been literally thinking of constantly, the past 48 hours over the weekend, which were, do I let this pass naturally? I messaged my nutritionist, who, I was just keeping up to date on everything. And I remember telling him, I can’t do this. I know how anal, crazy I am about doing everything naturally, in every area of my life. I can’t let this pass naturally. My mental health, I cannot do it. This is way too hard to have inside my body. So, I had crossed that one off.

Sarah’s decision for surgery or injecting a chemotherapy drug

The other two options were going to be, a pill that you take, which causes miscarriage or to get a DNC, which is surgery. And I had just decided that this is so emotionally heavy, I need to get a DNC. That’s the path I’m going to go. So, when Monday rolled around and they said you need to come in now, it’s tubal. All those options got completely cleared off the table. And the options instead, became a chemotherapy drug, that is injected into your butt. Or a surgery through your belly button, and into your fallopian tube, which usually results in the loss of the entire fallopian tube.

So, I woke my husband up, because he often sleeps during the day, because he works at night. And I said we gotta go. You gotta take me to the hospital. I went to the hospital. And on the way there, I was just going back and forth in my head, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What I do? Because there are risks. There’s the risk of, if you don’t have something done right away, that your tube can burst. And this is when I realized that there are different types of miscarriage. And that a tubal or ectopic pregnancy that results in miscarriage is, while, equally heartbreaking, much different, physically. Much different physically in the way that you treat it, and the way that you manage.

So, I’m floating these ideas back and had my back of my head. I’m, there’s no fucking way I’m going to go under general anesthesia, and get surgery right now. That feels so invasive. I do not want to lose a fallopian tube. So I opted for chemotherapy, which is also something that was very uncomfortable for me. Very uncomfortable. I honestly, I hated the idea of putting that drug in my body. Because it suppresses your immune system. It completely depletes you, in your folate levels, your B vitamins. And there are side effects of that. It takes a while to detox it from your body afterward. That was the other thing to consider. Is that, you have to wait. Well, it’s recommended that you wait three months after your pregnancy hormone levels go down to zero, before you start trying to get pregnant again. Not all doctors say that. Some doctors say you can try after your next period. Me being the one who looks into everything, and is just aware of how that might affect my body.

I was, okay, so basically, I’m going to either wait three months. Or if I get the surgery, maybe I can start trying sooner. So, anyway, we decided to go with chemotherapy. I got the injections, but before I did, I stood up for myself. Because I didn’t like the doctor, the OBGYN. I didn’t like her. And she wasn’t even going to see me. It was just going to be, the chat we had over the phone. I was going to walk in, some nurse was going to inject me in my butt and it was going to be, okay bye. And when I got there, I said, I’d actually like an ultrasound, please. They were like, why? This is a big deal to me and I don’t feel comfortable getting these injections unless I’m able to see what’s happening inside my body. And someone can help confirm what’s really going on.

And so, they were considerate of that. And they obviously, it was a whole other charge on my bill. But they allowed me to get an ultrasound right then and there because the ultrasound tech was still in the office. I went in, they did the ultrasound, and they confirmed that the embryo was not in the uterus. And while they couldn’t see it in the fallopian tube, it was highly likely that’s where it was. It just wasn’t large enough to really be seen on an ultrasound yet. That gave me a lot of peace of mind. A lot of peace of mind. And, then I left that room and went back into the room and I said, okay, now, you can inject my butt. Now I feel I can be okay with this decision, because I know I only have two choices. And I hate both of them, but at least, I can feel better about taking this option. And then, the aftermath that comes.

The unknown, uncertainty and questioning Sarah experienced

So I got that injection and it wipes you out. You become so tired because we get energy from B vitamins. And it is intentionally, depleting your body of them. So you get so tired, obviously, there’s immense grief and then there’s a waiting, another fucking waiting period. I thought, okay, they inject me, by maybe tonight, I’ll start miscarrying. And I’ll start to see some of the blood. Nope. Maybe the next day? Nope. So then, I started asking questions in my head, I thought, this is weird. I really thought this would happen right away. So, I started going onto Mr. Google, and I realized that oftentimes women don’t start to miscarry until three days after. So I thought, okay, now I know this is all normal, everything’s okay. And you go in for blood work at four days after, and seven days after.

So I went in for my four-day blood work. I still hadn’t started miscarrying, and my pregnancy hormone levels have gone up. Quite a bit up. And these thoughts go into your mind of wait, I’m still super pregnant, and what the hell is going on? Was this even the right decision? And then, I Google again, and I realize it’s normal for your levels to actually rise on day four, before they fall on day seven. Okay. This is, everything’s good. The amount of uncertainty and unknown and just questioning during this period was insane.

After that, it was day six, I believe. Day six I finally started to miscarry. So on day seven, I went to get blood work and my numbers had finally dropped. They actually plummeted way lower than you would normally see. So, even though I had increased, then it had plummeted down. And that made a lot of sense to me. It was confirming, validating for me, because this was a Monday that I got day seven blood work. And over the weekend, once again, I had to call the emergency line and be, I feel like I’m dying. I’ve never had such crazy anxiety. And I just couldn’t figure out what was creating so much anxiety. And I realized, finally on Monday, that it was this drastic change in your hormones, in such a short period of time, that it just had me feeling super crazy.

So day seven comes around post-injection, and it’s confirmed that it’s working and that you go home. And you go through miscarriage and it’s sucks. And for many women, it’s traumatizing. It can be very traumatizing. I don’t feel I had too much of a traumatizing experience, but it’s still not easy. It’s still not easy. From there, you go every one week after, to make sure that your numbers continue to drop, until they get below a five. Essentially you want a zero, but anything below the five, you don’t have to keep going back in for weekly blood work and you’re good to go. And for me, that took two weeks. It took two weeks of more waiting, and more not knowing, for that number to finally come down. And at the time, I was also anxiously anticipating the number to drop to five, because here I go, all right, I know that I have three months of detox ahead of me now. So I want to get that started as soon as possible. And I can’t start detox until, and I can’t start replenishing the B vitamins, the folate in my body, until it drops to zero.

What can lead to miscarriages and tubal/ectopic pregnancies

So I wait, and I wait, and I’m getting a lot of functional medicine advice during this time, to be able to support me through it, which was super helpful. And just helped me understand more of what was going on. And also, the risk factors or the common reasons why you might have a miscarriage but also, a tubal pregnancy. And what was hopeful, but also frustrating, was I didn’t have any of the common triggers for that. So, STIs, chlamydia is a common reason for miscarriage. Endometriosis and autoimmune diseases, but specifically autoimmune that affects your reproductive organs. There are some other ones that I can’t remember at the moment. But I didn’t have any of those in my health history. But the thing is, you can have a miscarriage for zero reasons. It doesn’t have to make sense.

You can also have an embryo that just is not genetically viable. That your body is smart enough to know that it’s not genetically viable, and therefore it never fully develops. And your body can signal that. And that leads to miscarriage as well. You can also have sticky tubes. So, for ectopic or tubal pregnancies, if your tubes are quote sticky, or have a lot of inflammation that can disrupt the embryo’s travel from ovary to uterus. And that could have been the case for me. I don’t know. I don’t know. And knowing all that, I knew that I definitely wanted to detox. And that the chemo is supposed to supposedly clear out of your body pretty quickly, but can be held in your kidneys, for quite a long period of time. So again, knowing all this, we set up a 90-day detox, my practitioner and I. Well, mostly him, I just listened and I said, yes, yes, yes, I will do all of that. And by the time my numbers got down to zero, I started.

Sarah’s detox protocol from the chemo drug to rebuild her body’s strength

I started that detox and I am now 35 days into my detox, out of the 90 days. And it’s pretty intense. It’s when I moved into detox, the grief storm, started to dissipate a bit. But then, more physical sensations, symptoms came up. So the emotions were maybe a little bit easier to deal with, but then, the physical became worse before better, which is often, that happens when you go through a detox. And I started taking over 30 pills a day, all-natural supplements. I started two smoothies a day, two cups of H.Pylori killing Matula tea a day. Because we figured if we’re going to detox from the chemo, and we’re also going to support my reproductive organs, and preparing for a future pregnancy, we might as well just kill all the other things that are happening like parasites, and bacteria, and an infection I had. Why not just go for it? And I’m an all-in kind of girl. Also, I’m still on three different tinctures that go under your tongue.

So it’s this pretty intense protocol. But I actually had a question on social media around how do you stick to that? How do you remember to take them? And for me, I am highly motivated. Every cell in my body is, heal me, heal me, heal me, please. Help me, support me, nurture me, so that I can get pregnant again. So, as a motivating factor for me, the driving factor is a no brainer. I am absolutely going to drink both my smoothies, and both my teas, and all three different tinctures, and all 30 pills, every single day. And I know that’s probably part of my anal Type A personality. But I think a lot of it is, I’m highly motivated because I care so deeply about being able to get pregnant in the future. And unfortunately, when you have a miscarriage, you become done, at much higher risk for a future miscarriage, and another pregnancy loss, and another tubal pregnancy. Even if you don’t know why you had it in the first place. Knowing that if I do get pregnant in the future, I will have to start getting blood work immediately after a positive pregnancy test. So that they monitor me the whole time. Well, we will cross that road when we get there.

Grief as a gift & giving yourself permission to feel your pain

I want to talk a little bit about the grief because grief came in all different forms throughout this process. It shakes you, and it breaks you open to the depths of your soul that you could not imagine. And while no stranger to grief, you’ve all heard me talk about this. It also felt like a different flavor of grief. Grief with those in my brother Jordan and grief to losing my brother Joe. Also included 25 and 26 years of memories, of knowing them, of having them in my life. Of being able to hug them. And grief with this baby, it was never getting to meet this child. Never having the opportunity for the memories. Never getting to hold, what I think was a baby girl.

Oscar Wilde has this beautiful quote that says, where there is sorrow, there is holy ground. And I truly believe that grief and sorrow can crack us open in the most beautiful, but heart-breaking ways. I want to read you guys something from a book, that has truly changed my life. The author Francis Weller, the book is called, The Wild Edge of Sorrow. And it is one that, I read after Joe died, but applies to all different types of grief. He writes,

“I’m an advocate for grief. I see the many ways it gifts us. While it is difficult to embrace grief, and be moved by its muscular demands. Without it, we would not know the heartening quality of compassion. Could not experience the full breadth of love. The surprise of joy. We could not celebrate the sheer beauty of the world. Grief fosters each of these capabilities, deepening them by bringing gravity to the moment. Grief is the dark color that adds depth to the canvas, providing contrast and texture. Without these tones, our lives would be flat and uninteresting. Those necessary encounters, in turn, enables these vital qualities to hold us in times of loss and sorrow. I am not suggesting that we live a life preoccupied with sorrow. I am saying that our refusal to welcome the sorrow that comes to us. Our inability to move through these experiences with true presence and conscious awareness condemns us to a life shadowed by grief. Welcoming everything that comes to us is a challenge, but this is the secret to being fully alive. I see this work in soul activism, a form of deep resistance to the disconnected way in which our society has conditioned us to live.

Grief is subversive undermining our society’s agreement, that we will behave, and be in control of our emotions, is an act of protest that declares our refusal to live numb and small. There is something feral about grief, something essentially outside the ordained and sanctioned behaviors of our culture, because of that grief is necessary to the vitality of the soul. Contrary to our fears grief is sophist with life force. It is riddled with energy an acknowledgment of the erotic coupling with another soul, whether human, animal, plant, or ecosystem. It is not a state of deadness or emotional flatness. Grief is alive, wild, untamed. It cannot be domesticated. It resists the demands to remain passive, and still. We move in jangled, unsettled, and riotous ways when grief takes hold of us. It is truly an emotion that rises from our soul.”

Those words have moved me and they have given me the permission slip to be in a state of grief. Of deep, deep fucking sorrow. To feel, to not numb, or run away from this part of my story, and my life. But instead, to allow it to make me feel even more alive, as a human. And I’m feeling my body slowly coming back. I feel my wounds slowly beginning to heal. It’s so much easier to talk to all of you about the logistics of everything I’ve been through. To talk about the protocol, and the doctor’s appointments, and the lab work. It’s so much easier to talk about miscarriage in those terms. What’s so much harder, is the grief. And there’s so much in the aftermath of miscarriage that no one asks you about. But I don’t see anyone talking about. It’s not just the day you get that phone call, or you walk into the doctor’s office and they say, you lost your baby. It is the days, weeks, months, and even years that come after that. That you still mourn that unborn child. It is dissociating from your body and moments of disbelief and fear, and a moment that is too intense to be fully inhabited in your body, in the days, and weeks, and months in years after that. That you are invited to reconnect to your body and healed womb after the trauma. It’s not, in and out, it doesn’t just go away.

The first four times I had sex with my husband. Once, we were cleared, to have sex again. It took me a while to be ready, but finally, I thought, okay, I’m ready. And after those first four times, I broke down in tears. I started sobbing. Of course, Andrew’s, what’s wrong? I just said, I’m just sad. I’m just feeling a lot of feelings right now. And it was also a form of release. Those feelings needed to come out. Orgasm is a way of releasing energy. It is creation energy. And so, I noticed myself just breaking down afterward. My body stopped holding in so much, and just let all of that grief and sorrow out.

And I start to feel now, like some of the sorrow is subsiding. And this part is similar to losing Jordan and Joe, and even our dog Bo, this past September. It does get a little bit easier, but it doesn’t mean you don’t still have shit days, really hard grief days. One of the things that has helped me to process all of this, that I hope some of you might resonate with, is a teaching, a teaching from the spiritual world. And if it doesn’t resonate with you, feel free to reject it, but it’s helped me. And there’s this teaching in the spiritual world that, a baby, a soul, really a soul will enter your body knowing beforehand, whether it’ll be born or not.

They may just want to spend time with you, or just love you. And want to be with you, even if they know it’s going to be short. A short amount of time. And then, also, that same soul can come back, around, and around, as many times as it may want, or you may need, or, until you’re ready. And something I’ve never shared on social media is, and I’m so nervous to share this. Five years ago, one month after my brother Jordan committed suicide, I got pregnant. With Andrew, who I had no fucking clue would end up being my husband someday. And it was too much.

It was way too much for me. My life was flipped upside down. I moved in with my best friend and her fiancé in a different state. And I was drowning in grief, and I got pregnant. I was in a very unstable relationship and I decided that it was not time to have a baby. So I decided that the best option at that time, was to get an abortion. And I still believe it was the right decision for me. And I respect all of you, and your choices, and your beliefs. And so, we did terminate that pregnancy.

The reason I’m sharing this, is because I truly feel, and believe, that the same soul that came down for that short time, to visit me. Maybe to comfort me, after Jordan died five years ago, it felt familiar to me. I believe that it was the same soul that I just lost. It felt so familiar in my body. I truly believe it was a girl. And when I was walking down the aisle at my wedding, my veil fell off twice. I talked to a psychic afterward, and she said, Sarah, the first time your veil fell off, it was Jordan, coming down to help walk you down the aisle with your dad literally, lifting the veil.

The second time your veil fell off, was your child. This is me talking to her in October before any of this would happen. And then, after my veil fell off twice, there was this turkey feather, that was so, obviously out of place that my dad stopped walking me down the aisle. And he said, am I supposed to pick that up? And I was, no, no, don’t, don’t pick it up, we gotta get to Andrew. We’re almost there. Lots of pit stops. And at my brother Joe’s funeral a week and a half later, we had feathers. Feathers that were very representative, and important to him, and the talking circle ceremonies that he would do in his healing process at the different rehab centers that he participated at.

Take with you, what resonates of this story. But my belief is that there was divine timing in this. And that soul that I have experienced twice in my body. It will come back around again. And for some reason, I actually feel it’s not going to be the next pregnancy. I think that soul might actually need a little break, but maybe a second one. So my husband and I are taking everything day by day right now. As I mentioned to grieve, to me, feels to be fully alive. Your grief and your sorrow is an expression of how deep you allowed yourself to love in this life.

And I hope by sharing this story, that it might help some of you to have the courage to share your own story if that feels right for you. I can share that, in opening up about my story, it’s also helped me heal deeply. And one in four women experiences a miscarriage. It doesn’t need to be taboo anymore. It just doesn’t. It’s not your fault. There’s no shame. It just happens sometimes. And it is okay to grieve, or even celebrate the lives of the children that you never got to meet and to ritual, or ceremony, or around that loss. And to consider them your spirit babies.

It’s also okay to have deep hope for a rainbow baby. The baby that comes after miscarriage. Everything you’re feeling is okay. This is my attempt to just show you my humanness today. To just share my heart and all the layers that have come up, since May. And to just let you know that, you’re not alone. And that this grief journey can also activate the most sacred parts of you.

Thank you so much for tuning in, and for allowing me to share, and for being open to witnessing my story. I’d love to hear from you. If you have any insights, or aha moments, or just a story that you want to share with me that you aren’t ready to share with the world. My DMs are always open for you. I love you all so much inside of this Uncensored Empath podcast community. And I hope that this can be a launching pad for connecting to you, even more deeply, as we move into the future.

Thank you so much again.

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August 10, 2020

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