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My heart was being tugged as I was pouring my heart out into this note on my phone and I finally got to a place where my fingers stopped typing. I got to a place where the answer was right in front of me and I still didn’t want to see it. I still didn’t want to see it.
This is a Soulfire production.
Here we are episode 212. This feels like a bit of an iconic moment for me. It is truly the ending of a chapter. And I left this episode 212 as a space holder, knowing that just a few episodes back, I was going to have that conversation with Kelli and we were going to talk about the ending of a chapter. And I just felt like I wanted to leave this as this final space for anything that I felt was left unsaid. And as I reflected on what I wanted to bring to you today, there actually wasn’t a lot. And I found myself overthinking it and procrastinating it and wondering, how can I put this perfect cherry on top that’s going to leave everybody feeling complete, whole, finished?
And after some reflection and much procrastination, I realized that there wasn’t a lot more to say. And so, I made the choice to still press record today. And before so, I just laid down in my office in our new home and I did a mini breathwork session for myself. And the question I breathed on was, what is most important? What is most important to me right now? And the answer was not output. It was not delivery. It was not my classic enneagram 3: overachiever. What’s most important to me right now is what I talked to Abby about in our last episode, which is presence: fully living, being alive, and taking time for sacred pause in life.
There’s a term that I have been laying at my altar, a term that I have been holding tight in my heart lately. And that term is ‘selah‘. And I recently heard of this term and it translates to holy pause. And I think that’s exactly where I am right now; a holy pause. The in-between, the space between one chapter and the next. It’s like in many personal development books when you get to the end of a chapter and there’s a reflection question before you move on to the next page. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve skipped over those reflection questions and then just kept reading. But I find when I do that in those books, I get to the end and it might have been an amazing book, but I don’t feel any different, I don’t feel changed, I don’t feel like I integrated the work.
And so, part of this is actually taking the time to pause and to ask those questions to see what answers arise, to explore who the fuck is me, and to not force or speed up any answers but instead, to simmer in the holy pause, the ‘selah‘ as uncomfortable as that is for me. I looked up the angel number meaning behind 212, two-one-two, right before I pressed record as well. And the number two is all about duality, balance, adaptability, relationships. It’s about faith and trust specifically related to your life purpose and soul’s mission. And that feels divinely placed in my life right now because there is so much duality.
I love being a mom. I wasn’t sure if I was going to love being a mom, but I really do. And at the same time, I love being an entrepreneur and all the different hats that I wear as the owner of this company. And that duality is so fresh in my heart and the balance between it is an answer I do not have yet. Relationships in my life are sacred and important. And for so long, I prioritized other things outside of my relationships and it’s been a true coming back home too, especially being back literally where I’m from in Michigan, to these relationships that are so holy, that are so sacred, that I made myself too busy for before.
And then there’s that faith and that trust and our soul mission, my soul mission. And while I feel like all the work that I’ve done to this point has been aligned with that, has been on purpose, has been with intention, I also can’t help but feel this buzzing within my throat, within my lungs, within my belly, that is slowly calling me towards something bigger, something more honest, something more true, something more real to me. And that’s what’s lighting me up right now. That’s what’s important to me is that I keep exploring that.
The number one carries the energy of moving forward, pursuing goals, promoting change, new beginnings, new ventures, ambition, tenacity, self-leadership, assertiveness, instinct, and intuition. It’s the idea that we create our own reality by the combination of our energy, thoughts, beliefs, actions. And so, I’m looking at all the things in front of me, all the things that I have as responsibility within my business and outside of business, and asking myself, what gets to be drawn away, fall away, released, outsourced, reorganized, shifted? What gets to stay? What’s an anchor? What’s true? What’s the most honest answer right now? And the pursuing goals, the new beginning, the new venture has, for me, looked like going back into some of the notes on my computer and looking at some of these really big, honestly scary goals, ideas, inspirations that I’ve written down, and asking myself, if not now, when? And the space to work on some of these other projects has certainly been put to the side.
I wrote a book proposal in 2020. I hired a book coach who was amazing and she helped me put together this book outline and book proposal. And then our time together ended. And I miscarried and also got pregnant with Emersyn in the span of my coaching with her and so my body was going through a lot. And I ended up with this probably 70% done book proposal, but I just never did anything with it. I let it pause. I let it have its own holy pause. And I don’t think that that was the wrong decision. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But I have to ask myself this question of okay girl, all right, woman, are you ever going to revisit that? And the answer is resoundingly yes. I want to revisit that. I want to write; I love to write. I love the power of words in all forms. But this came up in my conversation with Kelli if you listened. The form, the outlet in which I’m being most called to express myself right now, it’s just not the podcast. And I didn’t let myself let that be okay at first, but now I very much have arrived at peace within my heart that that is absolutely okay.
And I told you that I’ve told my story so open, so raw, so uncensored so many times now, and I’m so glad for that. It’s been so healing for me. And I know that it’s touched other people in many different ways, but the duality of that is that I’m also feeling called to help other people amplify their own voice through whatever media, whatever medium, whatever outlet that may be for them. And that’s another part of a new venture and a new beginning for me that you’ll soon see more of.
That number one in the self-leadership is one that I’ve been in the practice of for quite some time now. How do we be the best leader for ourselves? And part of my answer to that question is that being the best leader for you is allowing the ‘selah‘, allowing the holy pause, stepping back to truly reflect. Not to go to the next chapter and the next chapter and the next chapter and finish the damn book, but not have learned anything, integrated anything, or asked yourself any hard questions, but to allow the pause, the reflection, the hard questions to settle in, to be there, and to certainly not have all of the answers. Because that’s the crunchy part that I’m in right now is I don’t have all of the answers.
There’s been a mountain I feel like I’ve been climbing ever since I became pregnant. And I had no words for it, no words. I just knew it was there. And the struggle was sticky, exhausting, crunchy, uncomfortable, painful at times, excruciating at times. And so, I just kept moving forward, climbing the mountain, climbing the mountain, climbing the mountain. I expected this massive sense of relief the second that Emersyn was born, to sink my teeth into who is this new Sarah Small and to just know her immediately upon Emersyn’s arrival, but that didn’t happen. And after my fourth trimester, that sacred window of the first 40 days, when I didn’t have all the answers, I got frustrated again; climbing the mountain, climbing the mountain, climbing the mountain; searching, seeking, trying different things on, wondering why they weren’t working, getting frustrated. Who is this new Sarah Small? It felt like a lot of I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
I know I love being a mom. I know I love being an entrepreneur. But who am I? And it was right after I recorded the past three episodes, that I was sitting in the rocking chair in my daughter’s room, rocking her to sleep. And I had two hands free so I pulled my phone out and I just said to myself, Sarah, you need to journal on your phone. This is the way it’s going to happen, the way it’s most accessible right now. So just journal on your phone and do it in an uncensored, unfiltered way so that you have an outlet to express yourself and maybe some clues or some answers will arrive in this process. So I pull out my phone and I just started writing with thumbs clicking away, talking about how I was frustrated, talking about why don’t I have motivation to launch new programs? Talked about perfect balance between entrepreneurship and motherhood that is not my reality at all and is that ever going to happen? Talking about the push and the pull and the tug at my heart that is constantly there suffocating at times because I always want to be with my daughter. And at the same time, when I get to sit down and I get to do my work, my life’s work, it makes me so fucking happy. It makes me feel so aligned, so on purpose, so alive. I can’t imagine letting that go.
And so, my heart was being tugged as I was pouring my heart out into this note on my phone. And I finally got to a place where my fingers stopped typing. I got to a place where the answer was right in front of me and I still didn’t want to see it. I still didn’t want to see it. And I wrote that while I am Sarah Small and Sarah Small is the woman who has done all of the things up until now; she’s an author, she’s a coach, she’s a podcast host, she’s a business owner, she’s published hundreds of articles, she’s recorded multiple hundreds of podcast episodes, she’s built this online presence on platforms, social media community, on this note in my phone, I wrote, while that’s true, I’ve also outgrown you. And then I wrote, I am Sarah St. John. I was latching on to all the parts of Sarah Small that I love so, so dearly, but it’s time to finally let her go. And I’m scared. I’m scared to say goodbye to her. She’s the only me I’ve ever known. But I’m also excited to see who Sarah St. John is. I’ve never even let myself explore that, or feel into it, or try it on for size. I’ve been too comfortable in my old identity.
And these questions popped up into this note on my phone. What does this mean? Does this mean I’m leaving my family? And I wrote, no, I’m simply growing my family. The St. John is my husband’s last name. And I went into our marriage never knowing if I was going to take it or not. In fact, I kind of settled on that I wouldn’t change my name; that it just didn’t feel right. And now that my daughter’s here, my personal feeling, my personal choice is that it’s almost just happened before my eyes. It almost feels like I don’t have a choice anymore. I mean, I do have a conscious decision to make, but the evolution of who I am has naturally organically evolved and the power in that name means something to me.
And I texted Kelli actually and I was like, fuck, oh. I understand now why parts of this, this isn’t everything that’s been going on, but I now understand why parts of this are feeling so off, strange, foreign. And it’s because I’m trying to put myself into this old box of who I know I am, what I’m good at, the things I know I can do, and afraid of what it would look like and what would it mean to put myself into this new arena and explore things I don’t already know, make moves I never have made before. And in the moment that I saw it in the note on my phone, I knew there was no going back. I texted my husband. And he has no pressure either way as far as what he thinks I should or should not do. He’s always left it open for me to decide. But I wanted to share with him how I was feeling and he received it with love. He received it with an embrace and also a question, why now? Why does this feel right to you? And my response was that it wasn’t about the exact moment so much as the feeling that arrived in my body.
And that’s the other thing that I am being so drawn to right now is not just listening, though the power of empathic listening is like no other and I believe in the power of listening, but what’s also coming alive in me is the feeling, the somatic practices, the sensation that lives inside of listening and inside of your own voice. And so, while I still don’t know all the answers or all of what’s next for me, I know that sensation, feeling, experience is going to be rich and alive in whatever comes next. And I’m so deeply grateful for the profound practice that is breathwork because even just doing my mini breathwork session before jumping on to record this, new clarity was dropping in. And for that, I’m so excited. So, so excited.
And so, I want to lean into the holy pause, the ‘selah‘, and from this space of pause, I want to say, thank you. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for knowing my heart and allowing yours to arrive at the table with me. I appreciate you and I thank you for your powerful, powerful presence. If you want to stay connected before the next evolution of Sarah St. John arrives, the best way to do so is on Facebook, Instagram, my email list, or the Empath Leaders Membership, a place of deep connection, sisterhood, and experience. Every single time we gather inside of the membership, we’re invited to feel something deeply. And so, it’s the place that I’m going to be honoring my time and holding space for the other empathic women of the world who also understand the power of sensation and feeling. And we’ll link that in the show notes.
Y’all know where to find me on social media, unless it’s your first episode. If this is your first episode, welcome. It’s going to be a brief one but I’m still glad you found us. And I hope in finding us today, you have found a new community of empaths, intuitive souls, starseeds, lightworkers. And y’all have gifts, power beyond measure. And I truly hope to see and bear witness to the beauty that you create in the world with your own voice, your own art, your own heart, your own intuition, your own creativity with that. Thank you for 212 episodes of The Uncensored Empath Podcast. I hope to be in an experience with you again soon. Take care.
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May 5, 2022
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