Listen Here:

In this episode, we discuss:

• sex and chronic illness
• what to do when you can’t relate to your partner
• what happens when I feel like garbage
• what does he eat?!
• does he meditate!?
• frustration, communication, and patience

Additional Resources:

COURSE: The Healing Vault

The Healing Vault is a collection of training and resources to help you embody your most empowered self. Go from feeling disconnected to your body, to feeling like your own greatest healer. Includes resources such as yoga classes, meditations, guided tapping, and even an at-home retreat!

BOOK: You Can Heal Your Life

Louise Hay is one of my favorite authors on self-development and releasing limiting beliefs. In this book, she’ll show you how to completely rewrite your story.

FREE TRAINING: Behind the Scenes of My 6-Figure Biz

Check out the behind-the-scenes of my business + how I scaled to 5-figure months!

Episode Transcript:

Sarah:  Okay, Rebecca wants to know – I’m so nervous to ask you this – how does it affect our sex life? Let me just say this episode is a very vulnerable one, and I’m really grateful that my partner Andrew was willing to have this conversation and I think it was one that was vulnerable for both of us, but I think that it’s going to bring a lot of insight and hopefully value to all of you listeners out there.

Welcome to the Healing Uncensored podcast. My name is Sarah Small, and I’m a health and mindset coach for women with autoimmune disease just like you. I absolutely love helping you tap into your self-healing power. Uncover the energetic side of healing and release limiting beliefs around your body and your life. Think of this podcast is everything you wouldn’t hear at your doctor’s office. It’s a place for empowered souls to move beyond food and heal themselves on a soul level. I hope you enjoy today’s episode. Now let’s begin.

Today we have a very super extra special guest. His name is Andrew and he’s my boyfriend.

Andrew:  Spouse.

Sarah:  He’s my spouse. Technically we are common law married and we live together in Colorado with our dog Bella, who’s also in the room with us. Andrew has very graciously agreed to be here to chat about what relationships are like, not necessarily from the spoony perspective, or the person with chronic illness, but instead the partner’s perspective. So let’s dive in. Hi, babe.

Andrew:  Hi.

Sarah:  Let’s start with a little bit of history for everybody. People are asking how long we’ve been together and how we met.

Andrew:  How long have we been together? It’s complicated. We have been friends since what?

Sarah:  The beginning of grad school.

Andrew:  Beginning of grad school, which is like…

Sarah:  Four or five years ago.

Andrew:  2013, yeah.

Sarah:  Yeah.

Andrew: And then we have been seeing each other romantically since 2014?

Sarah:  Yeah, 2014. Three or four years.

Andrew:  Three or four years-ish.

Sarah:  Yeah, it’s complicated, guys. So how did we meet, babe?

Andrew:  Well, I remember meeting you in grad school. But I think you clocked me before I clocked you.

Sarah:  I saw you walk by.

Andrew:  Yeah. On my way into my very first DePaul School of Public Service class.

Sarah:  I saw you and I told my friends at the table that I was sitting with that you were super cute, and we didn’t actually meet until later on though.

Andrew:  And I mean, we just met organically through friends. Yeah, actual friends.

Sarah:  It was a pretty small program, so we had a lot of classes together. All right. When we met, when we started dating actually, did you know that I had a chronic illness?

Andrew:  No.

Sarah:  No. So how did that come about? How did that come up for us?

Andrew:  I didn’t know for a long, long time. I mean, you dated another guy that I was cool with also. We were just all friendly, and we would hang out and it seemed “normal”, whatever normal is, and I was none the wiser. That was also right around the time where just in general, celiac and everything gluten-free this, gluten-free that sort of became more common lexicon. So I was beginning to become aware of that. And I think I sort of learned about it through that and learn about your sensitivities through that.

Sarah:  So what went through your mind when you realize that I had celiac and that I had some flares and I have my bad days?

Andrew:  I didn’t realize it at first, just because I didn’t really know what it was or what it did. I just knew that you couldn’t eat bread.

Sarah:  I can’t eat bread. So did it make you think any differently of me?

Andrew:  No

Sarah:  No. Was it challenging?

Andrew:  Not at first because we weren’t dating.

Sarah:  We didn’t live together. Yeah. You just knew I drank wine at the restaurants and I didn’t eat bread, right?

Andrew:  Yeah

Sarah:  Yeah. Okay, so let’s fast forward to now. We live together. We’ve been living together for almost two years now out in Colorado, and we just bought a house that we’re moving into next month.

Andrew:  Oh my God!

Frustration, communication, and patience

Sarah:  Oh me God!  So what advice would you give men or women out there regarding living with someone with chronic illness? Does anything specific come up for you?

Andrew:  Oh God, many things. Many things. I think the biggest thing is patience and a willingness to let go of any preconceived notions or any ideas that you hear about through other mediums, whether it’s news or medical professionals or people who talk about granola this, granola that. What they don’t realize is the actual extent of chronic illness and especially the ones that, in this case, you suffer with.

Sarah: Yeah, our dog wants to play right now. We’re a little distracted. She brought her unicorn toy over to try and play. So what’s the hardest thing about living with me if you’re being really honest with me and the world? What’s the hardest thing about living with someone who has autoimmune flares? And sometimes I don’t feel good.

Andrew:  I think just that because I’m pretty lucky in that I have really, really good health. I rarely get sick. I don’t have any allergies, as I’m sort of sniffly today. But being able to understand what’s going on, and also letting go of the preconceived notions of what illness is and how to treat illness because we’re so used to getting that magic pill or putting the Band-Aid on instead of really treating the underlying symptoms. So that’s challenging. You know, for me, it has been the days when you feel like doo-doo and I can’t really figure out why or understand why, outside of just you explaining it to me. It’s hard to empathize because I have never felt that and cannot feel that. I sympathize greatly because I see what you are dealing with, and that some days you don’t have energy to really stand up. Or some days you’re good, good, good, good, good and then crash. So being able to empathize with that is probably the most challenging thing. And then we’ve discussed it whereas sometimes you won’t feel well for a friggin’ week straight. And I’ll just be like, Goddamn it, and I get antsy and frustrated, but it’s not necessarily with you. It’s just the whole situation.

Sarah: Yeah, because you don’t want me to feel the way that I do. So it’s actually Casey. Casey wants to know when we’re both having really rough days and at our limit with illness, my illness, how do you deal with it when you can’t help me but have to see me in that discomfort or pain?

Andrew:  That is a very good question, and one that I honestly still struggle to figure out every time it happens, because actually, each time seems to be a little different. I mean, the length with which it happens, the severity with which it happens, what part of you doesn’t feel well at that specific time, but I think, generally speaking, being as sympathetic as I can. I feel like I’m a pretty patient person and I have to exercise that a lot. Because again, it’s one of those things where it’s sort of an invisible illness and sometimes it baffles me and I’m like, you look “normal”, obviously whatever that is. Why don’t you feel that way?

Sarah:  Yeah.

Andrew:  And then those times I just have to be sort of cognizant and aware of my own thoughts and exercise a little self-awareness. But also, I think it’s in those times, sometimes it’s okay just to separate and let you totally curl up in a ball and allow you to feel like crap and not try to fix you or feel like I need to fix you. Because again, it’s one of those things that I deep down I know I can’t, and I’m a helper type personality. So sometimes just saying, okay, I see you don’t feel well. I’ll ask if there’s anything I can do for you, and if you say no, then sometimes it’s best just to leave you to your own devices and allow you to take care of you as best you can in that moment, without me in your way or bothering you.

Sarah:  Yeah. I love you for saying that, babe. I do. I love you so much. I think it’s just really powerful as someone with chronic illness, and important to me to not feel broken, and it helps so much to know that you don’t think I’m broken and you’re not trying to fix me. Instead, you are just there to support me and to be patient and do your best to sympathize.

Andrew:  So I think it’s in a lot of people’s nature, not everyone’s but most people, when they see a loved one who’s not feeling well, they want to help. But sometimes they don’t realize that by trying to actively help, they are doing exactly the opposite. And you can look at it as a way for …at least the way I look at it is, I look at it as a way from me to have time to do me, which is also super, super – we can get into it later – but super important in this type of situation when you’re in a significant relationship with someone who does have chronic illness.

Sarah:  Yeah, you have your own interests and hobbies. Yeah, I think someone asked about that later on. So we’ll get to it. Casey also wanted to know a little bit about my side. She said, How do I keep my head up when I’m not feeling well, but don’t necessarily want to bring you down? And that’s hard, because when I feel like shit, I do curl up in a ball, like you said. And I think that we just have this kind of mutual understanding that just because I’m curled up in a ball doesn’t mean that you have to stop life, or that you aren’t allowed to go out with your friends or …

Andrew:  Curl up in a ball next to you

Sarah:  Oh yeah, just join in on the curling in a ball party.

Andrew:  Doo-doo feeling fest.

Sarah:  Yeah. So I do sometimes worry that my energy, especially being an empath myself, I’m like, Oh, is he going to pick up my crap? Is he going to be low energy because I’m low energy and he’s seeing me low energy?

Andrew:  And that does happen sometimes.

Sarah:  Yeah.

Andrew: Especially when you don’t feel well for like a week, two weeks straight or like a month straight. You know, sometimes I do, but I think the critical thing that it takes is a mutual understanding and really good communication because it’s not all rainbows and unicorns and pots of gold for us. We do struggle at times and we will get short with each other, and I think being able to communicate as adults and coming back and apologizing if an apology is necessary or explaining why you felt the way you did or the way I did. And then being able to step back from that and say, okay, what do we do in this situation? Now? How do we remedy this, an acute remedy to get us on a better track because I also believe that, like you said, being an empath, you worry about how it’s going to impact me. But I also think about how if I had a crap day or night at work, am I bringing something home that’s going to affect you?

Sarah:  Yeah, I think we communicate pretty well, not perfectly but we communicate well, and it allows us especially for me to be able to describe to you a little bit about how I’m feeling because it is invisible illness and you know me well enough now to know even the smallest kind of … you’ll see me do my weird things with my fingers or whatever with my body and know that I’m experiencing anxiety or that I’m low energy, but it’s not always super obvious. You’ve gotten to know those signs a lot, lot better. But communicating was huge in the beginning so that I could actually try to help you understand and explain even though you may never in your lifetime feel that way, you could still sympathize.

Andrew:  And I think the communication thing we developed it. It didn’t happen overnight. And I think a common theme that we’ll see in this is patience. So when we first started, there wasn’t a lot of knowledge on my end and even on your end. Your expertise in this has ….

Sarah:  Evolved

Andrew:  Evolved, but gone from a speed bump to a mountain in the amount of knowledge that you have, which helps me so I think the big thing is understanding and patience and communication.

Sarah:  Amen. Should we be done? No.

Andrew:  Goodbye.

Sarah:  Mic drop! Mic drop! Okay, Aaron wants to know how to get your significant other … oh, this is a question for me – how to get your significant other to understand your illness and any limitations that may come with it? I think we kind of answered that already, just communication. For me, it was trying to help him understand how I was feeling even if I didn’t “look” sick. And yeah, finding some mediums between our energy levels. So you might have energy for an 8 mile hike and I might only have energy for a 2 mile hike, and so I think there’s a little bit of sacrifice and that you will say, okay, let’s just do the two mile hike today and if I have more energy, then we might try for three, but otherwise, there’s more patience.

Andrew:  Yeah, patience. But I also think like from my end, it’s also important for those of you that are the ones in the relationship with chronic illness to understand that your partner will never truly understand your illness unless they suffer from it as well. They can begin to see and recognize and have a better understanding, but I know and understand that I will never truly know what it feels like to be you. Because from what you’ve taught me, everyone’s chronic illness manifests in different ways within them individually. So yeah, your partner just isn’t ever going to totally get it.

Sarah: Ashley asks what your significant other wants the chronically ill to understand from the caregiver’s role. So she’s asking you what you would want other people who are chronically ill to understand from your role but I wouldn’t consider you my caregiver. Some women have caregivers as partners and they are,  not really by choice, but they are dependent upon their partner or family or friends to help them either financially, with cooking meals, etc.

Andrew:  So the bigger macro things. Yeah, I mean, if you are in that situation where your flare ups or just your day-to-day are that severe where … what’s the Netflix documentary we watched where what’s your name? She can’t get out of bed.

What happens when I feel like garbage

Sarah:  Yeah, we don’t really have that situation. I think that we especially do just within everyday responsibilities try to both show up pretty equally and there’s always going to be a little imbalance there. I don’t know. Do you have anything to answer her, even though you’re not necessarily my caregiver? Unrest. Is that what it’s called?

Andrew:  Unrest, maybe. I don’t know if it’s Netflix or not. Either way, but that was definitely a caregiver situation. And I think from being in that role, because I am in that role occasionally, because I do try and take care of you when you are feeling down in the dumps to a point.

I think more than anything, it takes a lot of understanding from your end and patience on your end, even when you feel like total garbage. And also understanding on your end in that type of role, that caregiver role where that’s a lot of responsibility and it is a lot of – I don’t want to say burden – but it’s a lot to move around. It’s a lot to carry. It’s a …

Sarah:  Yeah. It’s a big responsibility.

Andrew: It’s a heavier pack to carry than what it just is normally day-to-day when you feel better. And so understanding that in the times when we are in those situations, and I get a little frustrated, I know it upsets you, but I think we are able to communicate about why I’m frustrated, and just knowing that it’s not anything directed at you. It’s not me being frustrated with you. It’s me just sort of being overall like, dammit, this sucks. You know, the entirety of the situation.

Sarah:  Alright, so Alexander. We got a man in here. Sorry, we’re getting text messages. Alexander wants to know, do you ever get frustrated by my ability to sometimes not do certain physical activities?

Andrew:   Fuck yeah!

Sarah:  Okay.

Andrew:  Now Sarah and I are also super, super different in that regard because her sort of recharge her batteries is to find a snuggly spot, get comfy with a tasty snack or beverage or whatever it may be, and just chill which makes sense because she struggles with fatigue and all that.

Sarah:  Yeah, that’s my favorite.

Andrew:  Whereas me, my recharging is going on a 6 mile hike way out in the middle of the wilderness where I can’t see or hear civilization, or it’s going climbing, or it’s going for just even a walk outside sometimes.

Sarah:  Go lift at the gym.

Andrew:  Yeah, my recharging is very active, and Sarah’s is oftentimes very calm and mellow. And so that is also where I think the importance of having that mutual understanding of saying, okay, well…and the security. Sarah and I are lucky because we’re confident in who we are individually, and we’re confident in our relationship, so I’m totally cool and comfortable knowing that I can leave her alone for a day. Six hours, two hours, whatever when she feels like total shit and the world’s not going to end.

Sarah: I’m not going to like freak the fuck out on you for leaving.

Andrew: You’re not going to stab me when I walk in the door. And so I can then go recharge my batteries how I need to recharge my batteries and she can recharge hers how she needs to.

What to do when you can’t relate to your partner

Sarah:  Okay, so this is still Alexander’s question. Whenever Sarah is going through a rough day, what is going through your mind? Can you relate to her? Do you just give her space? Do you help her out with things? So you were kind of already hinting to this.

Andrew:  I think we touched on that a little bit, but just like a rehash rundown, I think what’s going through my mind, I relate to her in that I have gotten to the point where I’m able to sympathize because I have a better understanding of what’s going on. Again, I don’t truly understand because I’m not in her body so empathy is a challenge. But the first thing that goes through my mind when Sarah says, I feel like garbage today is how can I help? And I will just be point blank with it. I don’t obfuscate and deal with indirectness well, just me as a person, so I’ll just say what can I do to help you? How can I help you? Is there anything you need right now? Is there anything I can go get you, bring you, make you, cook you, rub you, whatever it may be? And usually she’s good at saying that. And sometimes she’ll just say no, and I’ll say, okay, and I just have to accept that. I can’t keep pushing because then it becomes almost nagging in many ways, and almost projects my high energy of fix, fix, fix, fix. What can I do to help? You know, like a nervous Chihuahua at you when what you actually need is calm, quiet, mellow.

So relating to her comes through understanding and sympathy. Relating to her unless you struggle with chronic illness yourself, relating to her or your partner whoever it may be through empathy is going to always be more challenging. So yeah, I think one of the first things and most effective things is just giving her space and then helping with however I can. I typically don’t just start doing things unless we have discussed them.

Sex and chronic illness

Sarah:  Yeah, you usually ask me what you can do and sometimes there’s something you can do like I’ll be please rub my shoulders, and other times I’ll be like, no, there’s not anything you can do right now. Leave me alone. I just need space. Okay, Rebecca wants to know – I’m so nervous to ask you this – how does it affect our sex life?

Andrew:  Man, it’s like porno up in here. I think it’s …

Sarah:  We also have opposite schedules, you guys. So Andrew works nights and weekends, and I’ve kind of evolved my schedule because I have that flexibility to have a weekend in the middle of the week when he has a couple of days off. So scheduling is a little bit of a challenge, but they want to know from a chronic illness side. I’m sure that’s what Rebecca meant was how does this affect our sex life?

Andrew:  Ah, it does. I think that it would be foolish and naive to say it doesn’t, and I think all of you can relate to that. For us, it ebbs and flows. We have a pretty good sex life but if you don’t feel well for two weeks, then it is what it is. I’m not going to be like, yo, let’s go plow.

Sarah:  Then we don’t do it for two weeks.

Andrew:  Yeah. I don’t give a shit how you feel. Let’s go plow.

Sarah: Can you just … we don’t ever plow.

Andrew:  Oh, we plow!!

Sarah:  Say something cute and romantic.

Andrew:  Okay. Make love.

Sarah:  We make love. Okay. Thank you.

Andrew:  We plow sometimes. It’s Healing Uncensored

Sarah:  I know this is like explicit but …

Andrew:  Healing Uncensored

Sarah:  Make it sound romantic.

Andrew:  Yes.

Sarah:  So you’re saying it affects our sex life, but not that it makes us not have a sex life. And there’s some times that I really don’t feel good and you’re not the type of guy that wants to pressure or force me into doing something that just really isn’t going to feel good for me right now.

Andrew:  No, I mean, that’s a dickhead move no matter what you are because it’s borderline.

Sarah:  Okay, we’re not going to go there.

Andrew: Anyway, I’m sorry, I have to filter myself. You know, it will have an effect. If it ever gets to the point where one partner starts feeling neglected, there needs to be a conversation, because again, all of this and what all of you will hopefully figure out and we work to figure out every single day is communication about this stuff in an effective way. We have encountered people **cough, cough**

Sarah:  Don’t name anybody.

Andrew:  Who don’t communicate well about this. They communicate but it’s not in an effective way. So you know, our sex life is good, but it will ebb and flow with how good Sarah feels, and to be quite honest… It’s uncensored, right?

Sarah:  Yeah.

Andrew: Okay. To be quite honest, if it’s two weeks where she doesn’t feel good, then I’ll just do me. Literally.

Sarah:  Literally do you.

Andrew:  Yeah

Sarah:  Yeah. So we make it work.

Andrew:  Yeah. But at the very, very, very base of it is good communication. And again, it goes to that sympathy and understanding because put yourself in that person’s shoes, if you are just not a struggler of chronic illness at all, put yourself in the shoes of you come home from a super long day of whatever it may be, you’re exhausted, you have no energy. You just feel sort of blah in general. You’re not that randy that often to get down and dirty.

Sarah:  No. It doesn’t make you want to get down and dirty.

Andrew:  So, think about how your partner feels and go from there.

What does he eat?!

Sarah:  Yeah. All right, let’s go. Okay, so Shelby and Cassandra have similar questions. Shelby says, does he eat the same way as you do? Cassandra wants to know what do you eat?

Andrew:  Eat food.

Sarah:  Come on, you know what they mean.

Andrew:  Sarah and I have evolved together. We have. I have found that it is easier, but also fulfilling because I see it as a challenge, and it’s partially just my personality, but we’re pretty healthy people in general. We eat pretty clean in general. I’m kind of a health and fitness dork in many regards. So I see it as a challenge in a way to be creative. If you don’t cook, if your partner doesn’t cook, it’s a great way to sort of bond over illness. It’s a great way to learn about illness. Because I mean shit, it’s how cultures across the world exchange. It’s how they express love; it’s how they do everything. They cook together, they eat together, they spend time in the kitchen together.

Sarah:  Conviviality.

Andrew:  Conviviality. Community. So that’s one way and we do eat basically the same diet. Now, I 100% still do my own thing. I think that’s the common thread here is we have this mutual together, but then we also do our own thing individually. And some days I want to eat a whole goddamn pizza and I will go eat a whole goddamn pizza. Not a gluten free pizza. Or I have a weakness for chocolate chip cookies. They are my kryptonite, so I’ll be like, you know what, babe? I’m going to eat this cookie right in front of you and I’m going to love it. Sorry. You know, so a little bit of selfishness is okay. We share a pretty good die. We have grown to share that diet, and if you live with someone, it’s easier to do, obviously because you’re sharing the same food.

Sarah:  Shopping together.

Andrew:  Grocery shopping together, but I also see it as a way to learn and I have framed it in my mind as a way to just have quality time together. During my work week, it’s challenging because I work nights. So a lot of times, it is on the weekends where we really are able to bond.

Sarah:  Yeah, and we’re both pretty decent cooks, decent chefs, so we get fairly creative in the kitchen, and we still get to have dinner together every night because as I’m ending my day, you’re waking up and we cook dinner together. Well, it’s your breakfast, I guess technically.

Andrew: Yum, yum, yum.

Sarah: But yeah, we typically share meals together and we’ll eat the same thing at home, and then when you want to go do your thing, you’ll go do your thing and

Andrew:  But it’s not like our house is completely gluten free. It’s damn close.

Sarah:  It’s very close. You have a pan that is for the non-gluten…wait, for the gluten things.

Andrew:  Yeah.

Sarah:  So he has a pan that he puts his….we’re weird. We don’t have a toaster. So we toast our bread on the stove in a saute pan.

Andrew:  We like to think we’re in the Old West.

Sarah:  Yep. Like we’re camping. Okay, so you put your toast on that pan and not the other pans just to be considerate, and then once you eat your peanut butter toast because that’s one of your snacks, you don’t come over and try to stick your tongue down my throat. You’ll do like a lipless kiss

Andrew:  Or a cheek kiss

Sarah:  A cheek kiss

Andrew:  Just to be cautionary

Sarah:  And not that you really drink very much beer, but Same thing with beer. If you had a beer, you’d be like, cautious of kissing me and letting me know hey, I just had a beer. Heads up.

Andrew:  Yeah, definitely. So, again, communication.

Sarah:  Cool. Okay, Kayla wants to go back a little bit to the dating days. So we already answered some of these questions. What are some date ideas – how to not come across as high maintenance with specific dietary needs and restrictions as a long list of supplements? What would you do if you could go back to grad school and you knew from the beginning I had chronic illness? What would we …? Did you do anything differently? What kind of dates did we go on?

Andrew:  Well, we were lucky because we were in Chicago, and so there was always a plethora of options. But I mean, when I didn’t know, because I didn’t know at first. I mean, I sort of knew but when we first started liaising romantically, I didn’t really know. I picked up on it. I was like, oh, okay, so she’s not ordering a chicken sandwich without a bun, so those of you in more urban areas, or at least towns that have options, going to restaurants that work because Sarah has also been genius at figuring it out. You know, from the sufferer of the chronic illness perspective, if you can be flexible and figure it out, and avoid the types of situations some of you may be sensitive enough that you can’t even be in or around gluten, period.

Sarah:  Without a bun or something. Like a restaurant that uses … cross contamination.

Andrew: Yes. But if you’re lucky to not be that sensitive, if you can just get creative, that way when you are first starting to date someone, it’s not an issue because when you’re first starting to date someone they could be like, oh, well, she’s saying no, or he is saying no, to all these places, but not really telling you why. I don’t really understand what’s going on. Maybe this person is just not that into me.

Sarah:  Yeah

Andrew:  Sex in the City callback.

Sarah:  So it helps for me to have been up front about … I guess you picked up on it because we were friends first so it’s a little more complicated

Andrew:  But not even necessarily upfront, just able to be flexible. We’ve driven places before and been super limited in what we can do, but you just made it work and didn’t really make it a big deal. You weren’t like oh god, I can’t eat anything here. Why did you bring me here?

Sarah:  That’s not really me. I always try to make it work.

Andrew: So being able to make it work, but also if you get to the point when you’re dating someone that you can start to explain this – I think this will probably go into another question – but if you can start to explain what’s going on then they’ll have a better understanding of okay, well, we can’t go to Olive Garden for free breadsticks tonight.

Sarah: Damn it! No free breadsticks! Okay, I’m actually going to jump down to Shandi’s question. She wants to know, do you, honey, do you use oils, yoga and meditation?

Andrew: I do.

Sarah:  Yeah.

Andrew: All of the above

Sarah:  All of the above. Circle D

Andrew:  What’s Circle D?

Sarah:  A-B… you get it? A – oil, B- yoga, C- meditation

Andrew:  I just woke up.

Sarah:  D is all the above.

Andrew:  Plus I don’t test well.

Sarah:  What do you think I was talking about?

Andrew:  I thought circle D was like a new hat symbol. A hashtag

Sarah:  A sex thing, maybe

Andrew:  Or a hash tag

Sarah: Or a hash tag. Circle D!

Andrew:  Yeah, I’m not that old, I promise.

Sarah:  Anyway, he is an older man.  Oils, yoga and meditation. All of the above.

Andrew:  Oils I do use and that is because of Sarah. I wouldn’t probably. I mean, maybe I would be into them a little bit otherwise because I grew up in a pretty hippie family. But yoga I actually got into through Sarah originally, but was inclined that way because my sisters do yoga and just sports.

Sarah:  Whoo, sports! Wait, I remember the first yoga class you ever took. Do you remember it?

Andrew:  Yes.

Sarah:  It was the outdoor yoga.

Andrew:  Oh yeah. Yoga rocks the park.

Sarah:  Yeah, I used to draft this event called yoga rocks the park in Chicago, and we weren’t dating at that time. But you came and you practiced and I remember how amazing your warrior two was. And I was like, oh my god, that guy has a really great warrior two.

Andrew: She actually knew my name though. She wasn’t just like, ‘that guy’.

Sarah:  Andrew. Oh, my God. Your warrior two is money especially for never having practiced yoga before. So you’re kind of a natural Yogi. I mean, it’s not like you …

Andrew:  It’s because I have soccer player thighs

Sarah:  Soccer player thighs. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So you’ve come to my classes before, and you’ve practiced with me on occasion too.

Andrew:  Yeah. And even after the whole question of when did we start dating? How long have we been together? You know, at one of the points in our relationship where we weren’t together, this was early on, I continued to do yoga on my own because it felt good. For meditation, I actually got into meditation not through Sarah. I got into meditation through one of my very best friends, who is like this sage, wisdom figure in my life.

Sarah:  Spirit seeker, spirit adventure, something…

Spirit Animal. No.

Andrew:  Spirit animal. No, that’s Jimmy Chin. Guys, if you don’t know who Jimmy Chin is, look him up. He’s a North Face photographer. He’s my spirit animal. Yeah, my friend Zach got me into it and my practice ebbs and flows with meditation. I’ll kind of have a kick where I do it a lot, and then I’ll get …I don’t know, we can call it distracted or it’s not number one priority for me all the time. Working nights makes it more challenging just because your body’s always a little thrown off of what the normal sleep cycle and ebb and flow of the day is. But yeah, Sarah and I have continued to practice meditation.

Sarah:  And you’ve done the Deepak and Oprah… what are those, 21 days before.

Andrew:  Fuck, yeah. That’s actually one of the first times I really committed to meditating every single day significantly, it was through that and it was –

Sarah: Really good. Mind blown.

Andrew:  Yeah.

Does he meditate!?

Sarah:  Okay, yeah. So you use oils, you do yoga, you meditate from time to time. You have some of the same spiritual and self-care practices as me, but you also have your own self care practices. So what are some of the things you like to do just for you?

Andrew:  Hookers and blow

Sarah:  Oh my God! Pretend you didn’t hear that. He’s very tired. He’s very tired.

Andrew:  Things I like to do for me. I’m also a big ‘The Rock’ fan. If you guys don’t know who The Rock is, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, and our friend Kylie has actually mentioned this but when you overly restrict yourself, it makes you go crazy. You know when you are so crazy rigid and strict, you never have a chance just to sort of whoosah and unpucker and relax. So I make sure that I give myself I call it a cheat day but really what it is just like random cheat things here and there, and I indulge and I enjoy it. Whether it’s a large pizza, whether it’s a giant stack of pancakes slathered in maple syrup or whether it’s -I used to do a thing called day off donut. I would get off work and I’d go get two donuts and come home. Treat yourself. So self-care is not just being rigid and healthy all the time. Self-care is literally the whole package.

Sarah:  Alright, let’s round this out with some rapid fire. Are you ready for that?

Andrew:  Like one word answers?

Sarah:  Yeah. I’m going to ask you quick questions. I just decided that I was going to do this.

Andrew:  Okay.

Sarah:  Okay, spirit animal?

Andrew:  Jimmy Chin.

Sarah:  Place you would want to go travel the most in the world?

Andrew: Japan.

Sarah:  You’ve already been there.

Andrew:  Yeah.

Sarah:  He used to live there. Okay. Not like a new place? Okay, I won’t judge your answer.

Andrew:  It’s like going home.

Sarah: Favorite Marvel Super Hero character. Are they superheroes?

Andrew: Yeah

Sarah:  Okay, yeah. Favorite Marvel character.

Andrew:  Oh God! Spider Man.

Sarah:  Favorite color?

Andrew:  Red.

Sarah:  What kind of dog do you want most?

Andrew:  Oh

Sarah:  Yeah. We need a sister for Bella.

Andrew:  I would like a Louisiana Caterpillar leopard dog, a Great Dane, a…

Sarah:  That’s already two answers. All the dogs. Favorite cheat day snack?

Andrew:  Possibly Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which I just had for the first time in like eight years the other day.

Sarah:  Okay, let’s be clear. You didn’t actually eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You had Cascadian Organic

Andrew:  Whatever. It tastes the same. My 12-year-old nephew thought it was Cinnamon Toast Crunch so that’s good enough for me.

Sarah:  Snowboard or skis?

Andrew:  Snowboard

Sarah:  Hats or headbands?

Andrew:  Hats

Sarah:  I don’t know. Maybe you are a headband guy.

Andrew:  Should I just start throwing out random questions?

Sarah:  Soccer.

Andrew:  Yeah.

Sarah:  Baseball.

Andrew:  No. I mean, I like it, but soccer.

Sarah: Rugby?

Andrew:  I like that too. Aussie rules football, yes.

Sarah:  All right. I don’t think I have any more rapid fires. So we’re going to end this. Do you have any other words of wisdom for our listeners? Anything that you think would be really helpful for them?

Andrew:  Yeah, I think when you guys first start out with someone new in your life, or if you haven’t gotten to the point with the person you’re with or if you’ve been with this person for a long time, and you guys just haven’t really communicated about it, that’s the key is communication. If it’s with someone brand new, don’t feel like you have to divulge everything right away, but also make sure you give them some type of information. That way, they have a better understanding of you. They don’t think, oh God, this person is just blowing me off. He or she is saying, oh, I can’t. I don’t feel well. I don’t feel well. This person doesn’t “look” like they don’t feel well. We come up against and you guys all have encountered it – the modern medical system – and when we hear that someone is sick, we expect to pretty much be able to see it, or at least have words given to us via diagnoses that we understand and can relate to conceptually. So when you first meet someone, don’t feel afraid to tell them but also don’t make them drink from a firehose and start spraying this information at them full bore from the get go. Have a little patience, but be open, communicate, and it will make everything much smoother.

Sarah:  Yeah. And we have a happy, perfectly imperfect relationship, would you say?

Andrew:  Yeah, absolutely.

Sarah:  Because we get short, but we also love each other. Our dog really wants to be in the middle of this podcast right now.

Andrew:  Yeah. Don’t be afraid to be honest with people because to be real, if you tell someone this information and they’re like, whoa, that’s too much, then it is too much and they can go fuck themselves because …

Sarah:  Would you say most men are like? So if I was like, No, I don’t want to go to an Italian restaurant. Would you say most men will be willing to then choose a different restaurant?

Andrew:  If they are any type of decent person

Sarah:  So it’s flexibility on both sides, right?

Andrew:  Absolutely. That’s the name of the game. Communication, understanding and flexibility.

Sarah: Patience

Andrew:  Patience.

Sarah:  Take those key words, tribe.

Andrew:  Yeah. And if you meet someone that isn’t prepared to do the work and understand, then like I said, they can bugger.

Sarah:  I love you.

Andrew:  I love you too

Sarah:  Thanks for being on the podcast.

Andrew:  No problem.

Sarah:  Wanna go make out?

Andrew:  Yes.

Sarah:  Okay. Bye, everyone.

Andrew:  Oh, bye.

Sarah:  Thank you so much for joining me for today’s episode. If you love this episode and want to support the creation of future episodes, please leave a five-star review below. I’d also love to hear from you on social media. Screenshot this episode and tag me on Instagram or Facebook at autoimmune tribe. Thanks again for listening. See you next time.

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