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In this episode, we discuss:

• How your experience in utero affects your sensitivity level
• The self-abandonment and betrayal that happens when you become a “fixer”
• The narcissist, the empath “fixer”, and co-dependent relationships
• The gift that can come from tragedies and toxic relationships
• The steps to becoming a conscious, empowered empath
• The unconscious vs. conscious empath
• How to begin down-regulating your nervous system
• What it means to “trigger-proof” yourself
• How to get to the root cause of the physical & emotional challenges in your life
• Why “bypassing” is our natural instinct

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Episode Transcript:

Welcome to the Uncensored Empath, a place for us to discuss highly sensitive energy, illness, healing, and transformation. My name is Sarah Small and I’m a life and success coach for empaths who want to create a thriving body, business, and life. Think of this podcast as your no-BS guide to navigating life, health, and entrepreneurship. You’ll get straight to the point, totally holistic tips from me, in real-time, as I navigate this healing and growth journey right beside you. This is a Soul Fire production.

Today’s guest is Dr. Nima Rahmany. He is a chiropractor and an educator, who specializes in helping individuals and professionals get to the root cause of their physical and emotional challenges. From being stressed, depressed, or anxious to living powerfully aligned and on purpose. Today’s conversation is about empathy in many ways, but a very different take on the empath and the conscious versus the unconscious empath. And how codependency dynamics can come to play in so many empath’s life. So I know you guys are going to really enjoy this different take on discussing empaths. And Dr. Nima has also, integrated all of his mind-body tools into a really simple to follow a method called, ‘The Overview Method.’ Which he teaches to groups all over the world and he’s going to be sharing part of it with us today. So let’s dive in.

You all may remember Kelli Tennant from episode 90 of the Uncensored Empath Podcast. In that conversation, we talked about chronic illness. And Kelli, like myself, has over 13 years of experience on her chronic health healing journey. And in that episode, we talked all about spiritual awakening and healing. And if you’ve listened, you know that Kelli is just one of the realist, rawest people. I stumbled upon her on social media and the second I connected to her on Instagram, I thought, this woman needs to be on my podcast. It turned out she had her own show called, ‘The Kelli Show.’ That is, honestly, all the conversations you didn’t even know that you needed to have. And she makes you feel like you’re sitting on a couch talking with her. Having a really deep, honest conversation with a friend, where you feel so safe and so supported. And she really ditches any sort of embarrassment or shame, that maybe rustling up with how you feel. And she tells it like it is. She asks hard questions and thinks outside of the box when it comes to spirituality, sexuality, and personal growth. And the guests on her show vary from psychics, to therapists, to coaches, to doctors. It is such a breath of fresh air to listen to The Kelli Show. I know you guys are going to love it. So go over to Apple Podcasts and subscribe to The Kelli Show, now. You will not regret it.

Sarah: Alright, welcome to the show Dr. Nima. I’m excited to have you on today.

Dr. Nima: Oh my gosh. I’m super stoked to be having this conversation. I’ve been looking forward to it since it was booked. I couldn’t wait to share all this stuff, Sarah.

Sarah: Well, you opened a doorway that now, I want to enter. We were just talking before about how you have a lot to say about empaths. And I was telling you that my community is primarily female empaths. And so, I’d love to just get your take on this, to begin with. What is your take on empaths?

Dr. Nima: That’s a great question to begin. I saw it as a pattern in my 18-year chiropractic practice. With patients that would come in with chronic issues, chronic health problems. It would be a pattern. It’s kind of like an archetype. The pattern is a female who had trauma and became this really deeply sensitive person. Who felt things and just wanted positivity and happiness. And just wanted to spread that love elsewhere. But unfortunately, because of their sensitivities, they’re not able to feel a sense of resilience towards rejection, towards approval, towards anything, towards sometimes themselves, their own emotion. So because of that disconnection and dissociation, the body will start to exhibit a bunch of symptoms. And so, I noticed in my 18-year chiropractic practice, that the patients that came in to see me that attended my little three-hour workshop on Saturday morning called, ‘Life Skills for a Stressful World’. Because I love teaching people how to get to the root cause of their problems.

And when I would have these workshops, people who would come in and learn these tools of reconnecting to themselves. Which have been developed over the last 10, 15 years, to become this really great methodology, to connect people. The people who did that, their healing outcomes were a lot better, than the ones who didn’t attend the workshops. So what that means is this is we’re not dealing with physical problems. We’re dealing with a psychosomatic type of challenges that come up as patterns. Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, chronic fatigue. These will come up as precursors to when you get to know the person. And they all say the same thing. And each of their stories has to do with a trauma when they were younger. This is patterns, now, after I’ve evolved my practice. And now, I work with people, because I was tired of seeing them in the office.

How your experience in utero affects your sensitivity level

I said you need some emotional support, you need to learn resilience, you need to learn how to expand your capacity, you need to learn how to regulate your nervous system. And so we started teaching them these things. And, as I got to know them, I would notice patterns. Is that, as a young child, either one thing happened, you were in utero, as one of our clients is, I recall. She didn’t have any childhood trauma that she could recall. It’s just that, she discovered that as she was a little girl, her mother was under a great deal of stress. So in utero, if your parents, this is all where it all begins. In utero. If you are living in a world where there is a great deal of turmoil in the lives of the mother, and the father. The mother, for example, my girlfriend is now pregnant. I just found out a few weeks ago. We’re getting married in a few weeks, and we have the baby coming. And all of a sudden, this Coronavirus just breaks down. And now, I’m aware that all of what’s going on in my partner’s world, internally, is now going to be impacting the baby. This is a fact. We all know this to be true.

So now, it becomes the most important thing in my life, to make sure that my partner feels supported, and safe. Because that all gets passed down. So if you ever had that experience, where your mother, not through no fault of her own, but was going through something challenging. Consider yourself heightened, and sensitized, to the hormones of stress. So then that’ll happen. That HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) will then label themselves as an empath. Because, all of a sudden, the slight deviation of the internal chemistry, you’re able to feel, and you’re extremely sensitive to. And this is an amazing thing. It can be an amazing thing. But, nobody ever taught you how to use those gifts. Nobody taught you how to have boundaries and say yes to yourself. Because, of the fact that when you were young, and part one, was the ‘in utero’, the second way that you’ve discovered all of these gifts is that life was a complete shit show at home.

The self-abandonment and betrayal that happens when you become a “fixer”

And your primary caregivers, there wasn’t this feeling of safety and security. In other words, in order for me to feel safe and secure, I have to abandon myself, my reality, and try to make things okay for everyone else. Try to fix, try to solve, try to heal, try to busy myself. And then now, starting to form this identity as a fixer. And that kind of person starts to have this incredible deep need to fix others. And what happens is, that’s the first time you learn to abandon and betray yourself. There is a self-abandonment or a self-betrayal that happens. So what happens is that abandonment, and self-betrayal, and fixing problems to gain your identity, starts to become your identity. It starts to become your winning formula. You’re, this is how I win in life, is this, I assume this responsibility. So guess what kind of relationships you’re going to find yourself starting to gravitate towards?

The narcissist, the empath “fixer”, and co-dependent relationships

It starts to look like co-dependency, which, used to be called co-alcoholic. The word, co-dependency, actually comes from AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). Where, there was the idea that there was the alcoholics, a problematic one, there’s the one with the addiction, the one that needed fixing, can’t occur without simultaneously having an enabler. Somebody who plays on that other role, that keeps them stuck in that dynamic. In other words, co-dependency co-alcoholic requires this dynamic between two people. Both are equally responsible for the dynamic, which is kind of like a trauma bond. But the unfortunate thing, Sarah, is that this is unconscious. And what will happen is, over time, you’re constantly finding yourself in the familiar. You’re the sensitive empath there to fix. And this person, unfortunately, what you don’t understand is that unconsciously, as long as this person has a problem, or is a problem, you have a role, you have an identity. So there’s this unconscious feeling of threat that will happen, that you don’t want to admit. That you don’t want that other person to heal. They’re fucked-up-ness serves your identity.

Sarah: It makes you feel you’re of importance, or you’re good for them.

Dr. Nima: I’m important. Yes. Kind of when you were a kid. Exactly the same as when you were younger, and you were taking care of mom or dad. Or you were being the good girl, that was where your identity is. And these complexes carry into our relationships until we get to a place where the self-abandonment becomes too much to bear. You wake up, your body doesn’t work, you’re chronically fatigued. You have this deep resentment for that person. And there’s this narcissistic, co-dependent dynamic going on. And you’re playing the victim. You’re saying, how can they be so, and so?

And you’re, this is not going to make me very popular to say. But it’s the truth, is that the way that you heal from this is to wake up to the fact that you are a 50% participant in the dynamic. And most people don’t want to hear that. It’s not good, a label.

Sarah: Yes. And I think it really starts to threaten the role that they thought they were playing that was all good.

Dr. Nima: I’m this saint. I’ve been doing it for others. And here’s what I want you to get from this. Is that the narcissist and the co-dependent empaths are exactly two sides to the same coin. The narcissist that’s focused on external validation of some sort, finances, or whatever. Is so polarizingly focused on that. There’s a confidence, there’s a self, there’s an assuredness, a vividness of vision, that the co-dependent requires in order to survive, and latch onto. But the problem is, the narcissist is completely co-dependent on the other person. So the narcissist is a closet co-dependent. And the co-dependent, that’s completely polarizingly focused on fixing or that the approval of this other person is completely in that. She’s co-dependent on that. She’s just as self-serving. So the co-dependent is a closet narcissist.

Sarah: Pause everyone, and think about that for a second. Because it makes so much sense that how often do we…?

Dr. Nima: Own it.

The gift that can come from tragedies and toxic relationships

Sarah: Yes. We don’t own it. We don’t think of it like that. We don’t often take a step out of our little bubble to consider the labels that we put on ourselves. And also, the rules that we’re living by, or the rules that are wanting to play. I personally, identify a lot with that fixer, the helper, the recovering perfectionist in my life. And a lot of my fixing was often directed at my siblings, and my parents as well. Being the oldest of four, divorced parents, and being this person who has to be the messenger.

Dr. Nima: Me. Make everything okay.

Sarah: Yes, absolutely. And it became exhausting. But I also know that I identified a lot with and found worth in that role that I was playing in my life.

Dr. Nima: Totally. And what you just said, there is a step that many have not yet taken. The step to owning that. Because it’s fucking painful. To own that isn’t it?

Sarah: It is. And I just want to add another layer to it. Which is, I lost one of my brothers five years ago, and another brother five months ago. And, when I had identified so much, with being the fixer, pleaser, helper, get you out of shit, amazing big sister, slash more of like even a motherly role in my life.

Dr. Nima: Superheroes.

Sarah: Oh yes. And I prided myself in that of course. However, there’s a lot to learn from it now. Anyways, when they both passed, at separate points in my life. It was, Oh!

Dr. Nima: Who am I now?

Sarah: Who am I now?

Dr. Nima: Who am I now?

Sarah: Yes. And it was like that mind-blown emoji. That was especially when I lost Jordan. Because that was the first big loss I had experienced in my life. It was, How do I find my self-worth? How do I reform my identity? And I’m actually, so grateful for that experience now because it snapped me out of that perfectionist, superwoman role. It made me start to come back home to myself and stop, stop betraying myself.

Dr. Nima: That’s beautiful. Yes. It’s called, ‘the dark night of your soul’, for a reason. And the thing is, that James Hollis, one of my favorite youngian authors. He said, the first half of life is a giant mistake. You’re bound by all of these complexes, and you don’t look at them until you have great suffering. Until you feel this complete disconnection with your internal sense of who you are. And most of the time we live that way unconsciously. And the gift of these tragedies, these toxic relationships. These tragedies, financial failure, loss, is it forces us to wake up and ask the right questions. Who am I really? And what is there to do? What do I do with my time? What’s fulfilling? How do I now start to live consciously? And so, this is when, the work begins to go back to unpack all of those primitive types of relationships, where you unconsciously, were trying to get those needs met.

And so, for my story, it was being a twin. My first birth trauma was, my brother being born first and I was alone. And so I don’t remember it, but it was before I was pre-verbal. So the memories don’t show up here. I don’t know. It’s just unconsciously, I live like I’m afraid to be alone. So I stay historically in my past. I’ll stay in relationships longer, because, jeez, I not really inspired by this one, but I’m afraid to let her go. Even though things are completely toxic between us, I’m afraid to let her go, because I’d rather that, then the disgusting trauma that I felt when I was a newborn. And when I was two years old, as a twin, my mother, wanted to explore immigrating to Canada from Iran.

And so, they took one of us. They took my brother. And I was without my twin brother and my mother for three months, as a two-year-old. And so, there was a separation trauma, and that was stuck in my body. And the way that would show up is, in relationships, I would date disempowered women. I would be the narcissist, she’d be the empath, or sorry, co-dependent. And I would be polarized in my vision and my career. She would completely make herself totally useful to that. And become the helper for that, and boom, this toxic relationship pattern. I noticed myself getting into these patterns, with women that I never had to fear, the loss that they’re going to run away. There was such an empowerment difference, that I never had to worry. They were always… I was the dismissive one. They would be the pursuer.

The steps to becoming a conscious, empowered empath

Dr. Nima: And so, until my last wakeup call, I had to wake up and go, how did I end up here? That’s the question. You want every person who’s listening, it is wise to ask, how did I end up here? What were the complexes? What were those underlying stories? And where was the trauma in my body, and the meaning? And so, begins the unpacking, so that when you finally do the necessary work, that begins with unpacking and taking responsibility, which most people don’t. They don’t want to go back to feelings, they just want to play the victim. Once you take that on, the climb ends, with you being able to say, Oh, I totally see myself. Why I did what I did. I totally see my partner as well. Why the dynamic was a perfect mix. Why it was so amazing, to happen, exactly as it did. As painful as it was, I see my part in it, and I’ve healed those wounds. I’ve learned the tools to become trigger proof and regulated. And on the other side of that, which I’m happy to say, I’ve been able to find a secure attachment, in a relationship. Where there’s a feeling of safety. There isn’t this bipolar, Oh my gosh, addictive type of quality of the extreme passion that just ends up burning you out. It feels safe. It feels secure. And so, I’m about to be a dad, now, with all of this information, I’m less likely to screw it up. Then had I gone through this process a lot sooner.

Sarah: Yes. I totally get that. And I think a lot of listeners relate to being the co-dependent empath, as you just described to us, in our relationship. Maybe even currently, in a relationship with a narcissist. And I think that, like you said, a lot of it’s unconscious. And this is just a role they feel like they were supposed to play. They don’t know. They don’t know reality any other way, maybe. But they might feel a little niggle inside of them that says, I want to live differently. This doesn’t feel wonderful. I do want to change. So how do they start then, moving away from the co-dependent empath tendencies that are more unconscious, into more of a conscious, empowered empath state of being?

The unconscious vs. conscious empath

Dr. Nima: Well, you basically what you do is, the first thing is to acknowledge where the wound came from. And so, what happens, if there was a physical wound, Sarah, that you have, a tweaked ankle or a twisted spine. Step one, acknowledge the wound. Step two, it’s now time to work towards all the necessary modalities to healing it. The first step that you’re going to want to do. This is the process that we take all our people. The first step that you must do, you must up-level your intimacy. I call it your intimacy upgrade. Intimacy with yourself and the first step is learning the skills of nervous system regulation. You must learn how to self-regulate your nervous system, starting with breaths, getting your chiropractic adjustments, doing exercise, meditation. You have to do self-regulation practices. And what I’ve now, come up with is a methodology. It’s called, Neuro Septic Attunement, which basically helps you get acquainted with the senses of your body. It’s kind of like a hypno meditation, which incorporates a kind of like younger self, inner child work. So that you can then, resource the younger self that has had a dissociation from itself. And so regulating your nervous system is part one.

Part two is the next thing. That you really got to do is to start to clear out all of your grievances from your past. The resentment that you have towards your dad, the resentment that pissed off you are about your mom. The inappropriate relationship that you had with a family member. And by the way, I have to say this, because there are guilt and shame, that’s hidden in the cells of your body, oftentimes with early sexual experiences. I’ll say it now, and if you’re listening and this is triggering you, then this is exactly a message. If what I’m saying to you triggers you, pay attention to what comes up. Because if it’s what I’m saying triggers you. It’s a telltale sign that you are to go that direction to heal it. It means there’s something there for you. And, your biggest obstacle will be is, that you don’t want to go there. That’ll be your challenge. So clearing, what we do is, we get our clients to make a list of all of the shit that they’ve gone through. That they wished they shouldn’t have. That they’re angry about. That they feel ashamed about. And so, this is where the truth comes out. A lot of hidden stuff in their shame and resentment. You must clear all of those, not just cognitively, but in the body as well. So we have really powerful tools to regulate these stored traumas in the body. And it’s a practice. So you’ve got to take that practice.

And the third part is, you have to learn how to dance with your dark passenger. There’s a little voice in your head that says you’re not enough. Your ego that’s trying to protect that wounded inner child. This little, inner critic, your shadow, it’s there. It’s a part of you. So without really knowing it, and developing a relationship with it, it’s going to drive the bus in your life. And it’s going to unconsciously repeat patterns. You keep going. So you must learn how to become an observer of it. And so we call that, ‘Dancing with your dark passenger’.

And the next part is, ‘Empathic Communication’. You have to learn how to empathically communicate. Now, I want to say this. This is what I couldn’t wait to share with you. There are two types of empaths. There are conscious empaths, and then there are unconscious empaths. Most people who call themselves empaths, are unconscious empaths, what I’ve observed. And what that means is, they’ll say, I’m an empath, which means they become heightenedly attuned to other people’s feelings, emotions, and what they’re putting out. But, if it’s unregulated and it’s unconscious, what ends up happening is, you do it at the betrayal of yourself. You empathize with another person. You sort somebody out while abandoning yourself simultaneously.

Sarah: I think I hear mostly, from that type of person that feels like the world is almost against them. There’s they can do to not feel the energy of everyone around them, or be a sponge to everything. We know that there are a lot of things you can do to protect yourself. And we can use empath as a positive thing. So I’d like to hear the other side of it.

Dr. Nima: Yes, totally. So the conscious empath is the one that first connects, and sets boundaries within themselves. So they know who they are. They’re connected with the wounded part of them. And always staying connected with that wounded part of you, and saying, I see you. And being aware while you’re out taking care of other people. In other words saying, Hey, I know, in other words, this is what it would look like. I’m helping this person and I’m loving it because it’s giving me an identity. In other words, being consciously aware with that little dark passenger of yours, saying, Oh, I love this. While doing it, resources yourself. You’re being an empath, but you’re consciously connected to that unconscious part of you, that needs the attention, that loves it. So you do that and you stay connected with that part of you. Not unconscious of her, that wounded part of you. And then, you really channel into other people, into their feelings, into their emotions. You make great therapists. Then you can just really sink into your role because you know that you’re playing a role. It’s not an unconscious…

You haven’t abandoned yourself, while you’re helping somebody else, in fear of not being seen, and heard, and Oh, I hope they’ll approve of me. You’re doing it while approving of yourself. While connecting to yourself, while being very aware of all parts of you. Your light and your shadow and doing it anyway. Let me give you an example. Can I give you an example? There is a part of me that when I’m speaking, I know it comes from the wounded little boy who didn’t feel seen and heard. When I’m unregulated with that, it comes across as needy of attention. It’s really nasty when it’s unregulated. It comes off as this dude who’s just completely needy of attention. People used to call it, Oh, the Dr. Nima Show is here. I just love putting on a show, because of my need to be seen. Now, when I get up on stage and I’m speaking, I’m connected with that little boy, who feels needy of attention. And I’m giving him that attention. So while I do it, and I can still be me, but I’m consciously aware that I haven’t lost myself. I’m completely integrated at that moment. That’s the secret.

Sarah: Yes. It’s a perfect example. So we can visualize what that looks like as well. And I feel there are so many people who want to make the transition into more of the conscious empath. But often skip the first step that you mentioned, around down-regulating the nervous system. And so, when they start that journey, they can’t remember anything from their childhood. They don’t feel grounded, they don’t feel safe, they don’t feel calm enough. They’re very much in survival mode. And something I teach is that you can’t heal when you’re in survival mode. The body’s self-preserving. It’s trying to avoid all that hard work, and that shadowy side of you, and the ego voice and everything. And so, I want you to expand upon what it means to downregulate the nervous system. You get a few examples of chiropractic care meditation. But what truly is the importance of that? Because I feel it gets left out a lot. And, what are some of the… not only the reasons why we need to do it. But other ways that you would suggest people start? So they can lay that base layer, that foundation before they dive into a deep shadow, for example.

How to begin down-regulating your nervous system

Dr. Nima: Yes. Well basically, getting into your body, getting into sensation. So taking some sort of physical activity. And doing something physical to get yourself into your body. Reconnected to your body. And [deep breathing sounds] breathwork. Doing breathwork. In our weekend workshops, we put it all together. We do the body-based stuff, neurosensory attunement, which means can you take moments and just pause, and orient yourself around the environment? Can you stand there and just be aware of your breath? It’s literally, pausing on a regular basis, and making it like a ritual, and a habit, to pause regularly. [deep breath sound]. And get into breath and get into sensations. Ooh, the Coronavirus stuff comes in. Then, I just heard a really bad report. Things are getting worse. Okay, what do I feel? Can I just get into my body and actually feel that? And, start to connect. Nervous system regulation is really the goal of my overview meditation. Which is a conscious, connected, sense of where you are, on the planet. While simultaneously being aware of where you are in the universe. The two things, doing that simultaneously, get you acquainted. That’s why you can see in the back. See, I have a picture of… You see that?

Sarah: Yes.

Dr. Nima: That’s a picture of the planet. It’s every time I look at it, what I do is I observe myself right now. From there, from here, while I’m in my body, I’m looking at the photo of the earth. I’m seeing where I am, on it. Just on a little dot there, on that floating spaceship, and I can feel myself. The two together really start to stimulate your parasympathetic nervous system. The awareness of the proprioceptive neuroception in your body. You’re basically in your body. While simultaneously being aware of where you’re at. That’s the first step. And then, we kind of take it in a way where you go back to, whatever you’re feeling right now in your relationship. Right now, with the lack of safety going on about it. I’ve been doing a lot of calls on the Coronavirus. Okay, where do you feel? I don’t feel safe. Feel it where in your body, and just sit with the feeling of it, and getting out of the story.

Sarah:  That’s interesting because we are such a society that, tends to pride ourselves on success, and overachievement, and staying busy, and being busy. And this is the opposite of, I think, the more automatic, habitual patterns of so much of society today. To then, be, no, wait, I’m going to stop. And I’m going to pause. And I’m actually going to be better off for the pause. Then the go, go, go, do, do, do.

Dr. Nima: Yes, a hundred percent. It goes against… It went against me, I’m a doer. So it’s like, but if I pause, then I’ll fall behind. Which is the trauma. The trauma is, that I must do in order to be someone. And, In order for you to heal, and to regulate that, you must learn how to do what we call, ‘becoming trigger proof’.

What it means to “trigger-proof” yourself

Dr. Nima: Trigger proofing yourself to the feeling itself. Trigger proofing yourself to the feeling of unworthiness. In other words, part of the exercises we do, with our clients, we get you to feel that. And just sit with it, without a story. And just sit in the feeling of humiliation. That all of these feelings that you’re trying to avoid, we actually just go right into.

Sarah: I think it takes bravery, and to be courageous to befriend, that part of you that, maybe has easily sat in a box over to the side, for most of your life or the majority of your life. And be, actually do you want to come out, and let’s hold hands. And give each other a hug. And, this part of you, this other archetype within you, allowing to be seen, and to be accepted as you said. What was that like, Dancing with the darkness?

Dr. Nima: Dancing with your dark passenger. I just got off a call with a gentleman right now. And, just before this, his mother died when he was 12. And I had him, let’s go back to that time. Let’s feel that. And he started feeling his emotions well up. And then he [poof sound] quickly stuff that down. So you’re damn right. It takes a lot of courage. And the thing is he’s noticing in his life, because of his lack of access to those. He’s not able to connect with other people at all. There’s no intimacy in his life. It’s all superficial. It’s all above here. So getting yourself down here is part of healing. In order to heal it, you have to first feel it, which is the most terrifying. So yes, courage is necessary.

Sarah: I often ask my clients too, it may seem really scary to dive into this work, to begin with, but what is the greater pain going to be? Is it going to be that pain of maybe never being able to connect to people in your life because of that wound, or that darkness, or that dark passenger as you call it? Or is it going to actually be the temporary discomfort of confronting that, or going through this work, or embody an emotion that feels negative, and then eventually, getting on the other side of it is a temporary discomfort?

Dr. Nima: Well, there is no pot of gold without slaying the dragon.

Sarah: Yes. My husband would love that, he’s into his games and fantasy.

Dr. Nima: Yes, every level that you’ll play on a video game, there is a dragon at the end to slay. This is the mythological archetype of the hero’s journey where you must slay the dragon on your hero’s journey. This is your path. The fear that you’re feeling about it, is normal. That’s everybody when you became an entrepreneur when you gave yourself permission to start doing this podcast or to start charging people for your services. Each of those was a dragon, that you had to slay. And so on, that your degree, your life is expanded to the degree that you have the courage to face that dragon, and there’s one on every level.

Sarah: I also want to talk about getting to the root cause of what may be, underneath whatever the discomfort is in somebody’s life. And I think there are so many different modalities that we can use to get to a root cause. But I think it’s also interesting to just get curious about, how do you know when you’ve gotten to the root cause of something? And, what does that process look like when you do peel back that layer to a root cause? How do you, Dr. Nima, help people get to the root cause of the physical and emotional challenges that they may be experiencing in their lives?

How to get to the root cause of the physical & emotional challenges in your life

Dr. Nima: Great question. So this is a good, good, good opportunity. A woman presents with paralyzing anxiety and panic attacks. She’s married, happily married to this gentleman. And I said, okay, so I’m trying to find the root cause. I asked her where, when did this begin? And she said, the day after I had my hysterectomy, I woke up from surgery and boom, panic attacks began. And I’ve been having them ever since for two years. Oh, okay, interesting. I said, in order for us to heal this, we’re going to have to go after the root cause, which, you say you want to heal but you’re going to be terrified of doing it. Are you ready for this or not? And she assured me that she was, we jumped all in, we engaged and sure enough, this feeling that came up, I regressed her. I said, go, can you go back to your earliest memory where you had this feeling of… When did this show up? What’s going on here? And she said, okay. And she reluctantly admits she started having an affair, seven years into her marriage. And she walks in on her husband who’s watching pornography and just thought, Oh, it’s clearly, instantly in her mind, she thinks, well, clearly he doesn’t love me. I’m not lovable. So what does she do? Because of that feeling? She starts a relationship with her high school sweetheart, who always had her feeling that way, and had just had her on a pedestal.

So soon after she starts this, affair, she starts developing, spotting. Some spotting in her reproductive system. And slowly over time, what happened was she developed endometriosis. So after this incongruence, in other words, after this incongruency in her life, the lie, and the resentment slash then the lie, who she used to justify the affair, her body started breaking down. Over a period of about five, six, seven years, further that spotting turned into full-blown endometriosis, and their solution was a hysterectomy. So she has a hysterectomy. The next day, the uterus, which was displaying the physiological expression of that incongruency in her life was taken out. So what ends up happening, the body has to create another distraction from the lie. So I want you to really maybe write this down, or take a note, is that oftentimes anxiety or symptoms are a distraction from a lie. So if you’re looking for the root cause, you want to explore that. So we’re like boom, there was the lie. And so soon after the hysterectomy, it was a bit of a wake-up call for her. She then left, the guy changed, her relationship went full-on with her current partner, and everything was better. So what was the root cause? Well, the root cause was the inauthenticity. Oftentimes, the root cause is some sort of an incongruency, and inauthenticity, a betrayal of the self.

So how do you find the root cause? You just trace it upwards. When did it begin? What was going on in my life? What was the conflict? And find what the lie, what the incongruency was. And as I took her through my overview method, she saw that how she was doing, and how she was behaving, she felt like a little girl when her father cheated on her mother, she was so angry with him. She felt betrayed and left abandoned. And then she realized, Oh my God, I did the same thing. It’s like she resented it in her father. She then repeated it. So what was her treatment? She had to own up to everything with her husband. She went and healed her relationship with her father and said, I did this as well, and I blamed you all the time. And as she got complete and restored all of that integrity, and all of those relationships, and just was was real about it, took full responsibility. Anxiety was gone. No more anxiety. So the root cause is different from anyone, but you want to trace it up the way that I just outlined. And it’s wise to get on a call with somebody who is really skilled at this stuff, to help you unpack that. Because you don’t want to go through that alone.

Sarah: It’s really hard to go through it alone because we’re so stuck in our own story and our own kind of blindness. And so I find that getting the support of a coach, mentor, guide, whatever they call themselves, is super helpful to reflect back and be your mirror to you of what you’re saying. That might be a little clouded. It’s so helpful to get that feedback. Something else Dr. Nima, I just really want to get your thoughts on, is bypassing. And I saw this article on your website actually, around bypassing. And it’s something that, you’ve brought up coronavirus a couple of times in our conversation and it seems really timely to talk about this. So, what is bypassing? I think you described it, I’m sure there are different ways to describe it. But I think you described it as avoiding something painful, like a feeling, or an emotion. And then, further, there’s spiritual bypassing, which is using our spiritual world methods, rituals, ideas, practices, to avoid dealing with these unresolved things. Or even–

Dr. Nima: Or getting into the feelings of them.

Sarah: Yes. Okay. So, I want to hear your thoughts on bypassing, spiritual bypassing.

Why “bypassing” is our natural instinct

Dr. Nima: So, bypassing. The first thing you want to understand is it’s our natural instinct to bypass because it’s so painful. We want to bypass pain. Because, as a child, it didn’t feel safe to be in our bodies, so we got into our minds. And whenever a feeling came up, instead of learning how to trigger proof ourselves to it, and how to integrate it, and how to have it move through us, we block it. And it gets stored in our bodies and then creates all sorts of illnesses. Now the spiritual bypass is, when something shitty happens to you, just going, Oh no, that’s okay. I’m fine with it.

And not really owning how you’re pissed off. And really giving your shadow some space to dance and breathe. Because it’s too difficult to feel that, I already know that I’m supposed to be rising above it, so it’s okay. Namaste.

Sarah: Yes. Love and light. Love and light.

Dr. Nima: Yes. Love and light. I’m not upset. I’m all good. Don’t bullshit, that’s bypassing. So, healing means integrating. Healing means owning, and allowing, and seeing all parts. And allowing all parts to be there, and learning how to integrate them into your body, moving through your body. And then, allowing the alarm to pass through so that you can finally then, work it through in your mind. What we do instead, is the feelings are so uncomfortable. Let’s quickly do some cognitive work to change the story, and get over it, so that I can go back to my a little illusion.

So bypassing is far more common. I think it would be most people, especially if you do counseling and therapy, and avoid doing the embodiment work. For 15 years I was doing a bunch of cognitive work, that I woke up to the fact, especially after my last breakdown, in my relationships, that I was, using the work, to bypass feelings.

Sarah: Like I am spending all these hours, and hours, in therapy. So I’m doing so much work. But it was surface-level work.

Dr. Nima: Right. So that I can avoid feeling pain.

Sarah: Yes. It’s an excuse of look, I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying, but not, doing the feeling.

Dr. Nima: But not actually doing the feeling of it, and really just sitting in the feeling. First, therapy is very important, but the cognitive work has to be done on the other side of allowing yourself to feel. I had one client who didn’t lose one child, she lost two children under the age of three.

Sarah: Wow.

Dr. Nima: Two and she’s very intelligent and she did a lot of cognitive work. She went and did John D. Martinez’s breakthrough experience for both of them. And they do this process that helps you clear grief. And so, soon after she cleared the grief, she saw the other side of it and was fine. And the problem was that the grief was trapped in her body.

Sarah: I was going to say, I feel like grief is something that you don’t just clear away. It doesn’t just go away.

Dr. Nima: No, it doesn’t. It’s in the physiology. So it’s important to experience it all, and then do the other cognitive work. But she did it because she was aware of all these tools. She cleared the cognitive, and still had it in her body. And was wondering why 20 years later, 10 years later, her business’s stuck. She’s stuck on addictions. Her life is not moving forward. There’s a blockage there. And so, what we did on our first call, I just basically said, you’re pretty mad at God, aren’t you for taking two of your kids away? She goes, yeah, I am. Tell me how upset you are. Because I am. And so I had her actually, expressing her grief and screaming. And as she processed that, the tears started flowing. And for two weeks, she had a proper healing experience. And her life completely turned around after she stopped bypassing.

Sarah: And just allowed herself to feel. Of course, you’d be pissed at God if you lost two children under three.

Dr. Nima: She didn’t give herself a chance to go through that. Now, I’m not saying to stay there. A lot of people will go there, and then they’ll literally stay there in that space. That’s the other side of the spectrum. It doesn’t do you any good either.

Sarah: That starts to become more of the victim.

Dr. Nima: Yes. The victim, the identity, which is understandable in the beginning, and needs to happen. It’s the first stage of your spiritual growth is victimhood. It happened to me, and so, you have got to give yourself some space to experience that and express it and have the emotions. But if you stop there, you’re missing out on healing. So I’m only interested in healing.

Sarah: [Sighs] Dr. Nima, this has been so insightful for me. And it’s just been so wonderful having this conversation with you today. I’d love to hear if there’s anything else you feel we have missed in this conversation that’s important for our listeners to know today. Or any other takeaways that you’d like to drive home for everybody.

Dr. Nima: Absolutely. I think the first thing that I want to say is, probably the most important skill that you’re going to learn in 2020 and beyond, in your life, is the art of taking your triggers and turning them as an access point to self-love. Rather than self-abandonment. So in other words, becoming trigger proof, the art of learning how to take my triggers, and instead of abandoning myself, and judging, and blaming, and shaming. To use that as an access to deeper self-love. And if you can learn to do that. The second most important thing, this will easily follow is to take conflict in your relationships. All of them. This could be with your kids, this could be with your partner, but to take the conflict and learn how to turn that into deeper intimacy. So trigger-proofing yourself means taking a trigger and turning it into a deeper sense of self-connection. And the conflict as a window to deeper intimacy. Those are the two most important skills you can learn, for your health.

Sarah: Thank you so much. I think it’s so important that you also mentioned that, it’s not a lack of being triggered. It’s how you transform the trigger. Because we are all very deeply triggered.

Dr. Nima: No. Trigger-proof doesn’t mean trigger less. Oh, hell no. I have lots of triggers. It’s just that I’ve dedicated my life to becoming responsible for them. Because I knew that if I didn’t, my relationships would be crap. My health would be crap. I wouldn’t feel a sense of purpose. And when I would die, the last breath it would be lonely. Because my reactivity blocks intimacy with others. And making other people responsible for them isn’t the answer. Taking full responsibility and learning the art of taking a trigger and turning it into a deeper sense, self-love and the conflict into deeper intimacy has been the best experience. I’m now getting married, having a baby. My relationship with my parents has never been closer. I’m doing what I love. So that’s on the other side of doing the work.

Sarah: Absolutely. So thank you so much. Where can people get to know you better, and also your overview method?

Dr. Nima: Yes, drnima.com, my website, I think it will be in the show notes and there is a free virtual workshop on there to download. I want to give that as a gift to anyone who’s listening. Go on my website, and you go to the virtual workshop and it teaches you how to become trigger proof. It’s 90-minutes long. It’s free, and it’ll basically teach you how to do it.

Sarah: Amazing. Thank you again so much for your time today.

Thank you all for tuning in today’s episode. I have been craving support, and guidance, during this time. And really leaning into the platforms in which I feel safe and supported. And the people who are speaking my language lately, and looking just at all sides of everything that is happening in the world. And I just wanted to remind all of you that there’s an opportunity for you to receive support as well through my free empath texts. These are texts that I usually send about three, four or five texts a week. About every other day to your cell phone. It’s a completely free service, and I recently just polled and asked everyone who’s already subscribed. And I said, how can I support you? What do you need help with at this time? And some of the things I heard from my community to support with anxiety.

Learning more about yourself as an empath. How to regulate emotions and create healthy boundaries? As well as how not to feel guilt, or shame, or even just this burden of all the sadness, or trauma, or triggers that are surfacing in the world right now? So I have all of those on my list to create some new texts that are supportive to all of you, who are already subscribed. And I invite you to join this community. One of the coolest parts is that we can actually text back and forth. So, you’re not obligated to text me back every time I text you. But oftentimes I do ask you questions, and it’s just an opportunity to text me, and to just be sending that loving support and guidance. And get that support and guidance from somebody who does speak the empath language. In order to subscribe, if you’re not already, all you have to do is text the word ‘empath’ to this phone number (855) 253-9052. Again, text, ‘empath’ to (855) 253-9052 and I helped be texting you soon.

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