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In this episode, my partner, Andrew, and I chat about:

• Each of our personal transformations
• How we support each other through this process
• How we drop the comparison of each other and others
• What inspires us about each other’s own journey

And as always, it’s entertaining… we had no idea which direction the conversation would go in!

Additional Resources:

Program: Autoimmune Strong

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Free quiz: Inner Healer Archetype Quiz

Inside of all of us resides our inner healer. The part of you that always knows the answer. The part of you that is aligned with wellness. Too often, we block that voice out and let our head take over. Take this quiz to discover your inner healer archetype and how you can cultivate more self-healing.

Episode Transcript:

Sarah: Welcome to the Healing Uncensored podcast. My name is Sarah Small, and I’m a health and mindset coach for women with autoimmune disease, just like you. I absolutely love helping you tap into your self-healing power, uncover the energetic side of healing and release limiting beliefs around your body and your life. Think of this podcast is everything you wouldn’t hear at your doctor’s office. It’s a place for empowered souls to move beyond food and heal themselves on a soul level. I hope you enjoy today’s episode now. Let’s begin.

Sarah:  Hi, Andrew. Welcome back to the Healing Uncensored podcast.

Andrew: It’s good to be back, Sarah.

Sarah: Do you want to tell the audience what news and updates we have?

Andrew:  You tell them.

Sarah: I get to tell them?

Andrew: Yeah.

Sarah: We’re engaged!! Silent screaming over here. That’s some good effects. So we got engaged.

Andrew: Yes.

Sarah: On Nantucket Island.

Andrew: Correct.

Sarah: On Pocomo Point, you’re obsessed with saying, and now we’re ready to start wedding planning and hoping to get married by next year, sometime next year. How do you feel?

Andrew: About?

Sarah: Marrying me.

Andrew: Very, very good.

Sarah: I hope so.

Andrew: Very good.

Sarah: I mean, you asked.

Andrew: Yes. I feel very good.

Sarah: Okay.

Andrew: But I wasn’t sure if you were asking about …

Sarah: The wedding planning process?

Andrew: The planning part or the marriage.

Sarah: Well, let’s talk about that for a second. So how do you feel about the process so far? Full disclosure – we’ve been engaged for about a week. We’re already starting to think about planning and it’s been a little bit of a roller coaster already. So, tell me how you feel.

Andrew: Stressed as fuck.

Sarah: We don’t want to have a huge wedding. We want to keep it simple, but we’re finding that we know a lot of people and there’s a lot of special and important people in our lives, and that weddings easily blow up into this giant thing that I think many of you can probably relate to. So we’re starting to get creative.

Andrew: Yes. Attempting to get as creative as possible.

Sarah: Yeah. So we’ll see where that goes. We’re looking at a venue, our first venue tonight, and I think it’s going to be a journey. I think we have to keep reminding each other and ourselves to zoom out of the process and take a couple of deep breaths and think about what we really want out of this day, instead of what’s expected of us.

Andrew: Yes. I already told my mom, when I talked to her, no on multiple things.

Sarah:  What does she want?

Andrew: She wanted … well, she didn’t want anything. She just mentioned a few things. It’s just suggestions, and I was like, mm mm…no!

Sarah: Yeah, I think it’s going to be a really good test of our energetic boundaries and being able to say no. Now… did you do your eyes at that? Say no and stick up for what we really are wanting.

Andrew: For what’s us and not what’s other people.

Each of our personal transformations

Sarah: Okay. So I wanted you back on for another episode because I wanted to talk a little bit about spiritual growth and growing in a relationship with a partner, versus being single and going through your own kind of process of transformation, what it looks like when you start to transform and you’re in a relationship. So tell me about some of the spiritual growth transformation, or phases that you have been through. I’m thinking of one in particular, if you want me to feed you a little info.

Andrew: Sure. Fire away.

Sarah:  So shortly after Jordan passed, you really delve into yourself and it was like around the time when you were reading that book, Spiritual Warrior and …

Andrew: Good book, by the way.

Sarah: Plug for Spiritual Warrior. Who’s the author, do you remember? It’s on the bookshelf somewhere

Andrew: I don’t know. It’ll come to me.

Sarah: Well, I’m thinking of that period where you really started to dig in to some of your own shadow and work on yourself.

Andrew: Well, that’s really a really big question. It was multifaceted, it was complicated. One of the first things I did was reach out to two friends of mine who are very in tune, very knowledgeable and very helpful. One of them is one of my very best friends, Zach, and the other one is one of my very best friends, Alex. Both of them come at it from a very different angle, but one of the first conversations I had was what does meditation look like? How can I start and what does it do? Because I understood the general sort of concept but not any specifics, and I had never really talked to anyone who had ever really been deep into it. And my friend Zach was pretty deep into it and it was literally a conversation with him and his wife at a coffee shop in St. Louis.

Sarah: So then you started doing some of your own meditation and reading some … they weren’t all maybe labeled personal development books, but some of that genre and finding YouTubes or podcasts that I think just challenged your mind and made you think about how you wanted to live your life, and what practices you wanted to have in your life like meditation.

Andrew: Yeah. I mean, a lot of it was more working on delving into myself, so a lot of stuff that I was seeking was stuff that I hadn’t spent time thinking about previously. I was always very deferential to others prior to this and even to the point we’ve talked about early on in our relationship. You have remarked, that I would never ask you for anything. Even if we were sitting on a couch, I would never be like, hey, will you grab me a cup of water? I would just get up and do it and then I would ask you if you needed anything. I wouldn’t ever just ask you for help or for just something very insignificant.

Sarah: Remember we had a conversation three or four years ago when I lived in the apartment in Ravenswood, Chicago, and you were over one time and I was like, you’ve never sat down on my couch before.

Andrew: Yeah. Something like that, for sure.

Sarah: You were like asking for permission to sit down or something, or maybe you just weren’t comfortable yet. I don’t know, or just couldn’t relax almost.

Andrew: It was more just me being unsure, but also not being…well, one of my love languages, as far as the outward from me that I have found is acts of service. I like to do things for people and I think it’s partially because I just enjoy doing them, but it also I guess subsequently is it makes me feel good.

Sarah: Yeah, totally.

Andrew: So I did that, and then I got into meditation by starting with some very simple guided meditations, which were enormously helpful. There’s actually some on Spotify or just the YouTube avenue, but I found some on Spotify that I really enjoyed and that was mostly through Alex. I mean, I’m sorry, Zach. And then Alex gave me some interesting thoughts and ideas on well, I guess we could label them self-help things – books, podcasts, yada yada – and I dove into those too and it was helpful.

Sarah: So you had, that’s just one example of a period in your life where you were deciding consciously and intentionally that you wanted to feel better and change some of your habits and routines, and I know you’ve been through others before we were together and now subsequently, since we’ve been together. I even see you kind of going through one right now where you said this morning, I want to …and I’ve noticed too you’ve been reading in the mornings before you get out of bed instead of scrolling on your phone or getting outside and just be there meditating or just getting into nature first thing where it’s just these small habit changes. So you’ve had these different cycles. We all cycle, and we go through these patterns and shifts and then I’ve had my own too, and they don’t always line up. So what is your perspective on some of the transformations that I’ve gone through? Do any stand out to you strongly or anything?

Andrew: Yes. That’s another very big question. I mean, from the time I first met you to now, I could make an argument that you are almost a completely different person.

Sarah:  Not at the core.

Andrew: Some portions of the core, because some of the portions, some of the bits of your core previously didn’t serve you, and …

Sarah: So I’ve shed a lot of that?

Andrew: Yes. I guess if your core is like an onion or like an orange, I guess you’ve peeled off some of that and shed it, but at the time it was very much part of your core and part of who you were.

Sarah: My habits, personality

Andrew: Your thought patterns.

Sarah: Beliefs.

Andrew: Yes. Everything changed a lot. Big shifts. I mean, there’s a series. Big shifts with Jordan. Shifts with some things that happened in Detroit five, six months before we moved to Colorado, the shifts you’ve gone through since we’ve lived in Colorado, as you’ve developed your business and when you quit your old job. That was basically like a parasite sucking all of your energy out of you. Yeah. Several major shifts.

How we support each other through this process

Sarah: So you’ve seen me go through these different phases and I’ve been on kind of this continual self-development journey since Jordan died, I would say. But then there’s also been some moments within that and in shorter periods of time that have been more intense than others, like when I quit my job and decided to do autoimmune tribe full time and make that shift in my life. So for people listening, what challenges do you feel like come up when your partner is kind of going through this breaking down and rebuilding, and whether that’s just because they’re not happy with an aspect of their life and they want to be happier and more fulfilled. Most of the women listening have chronic illness and so that’s a whole transformation in itself is like, if you want and have that desire to heal, this breaking down and then rebuilding yourself and really starting to rewire your brain and your thought patterns to release the limiting beliefs and form new beliefs that are supportive of your health and your joy and your happiness. So as the partner in that, and I mean, we’re both partners in that. So I’ve seen you go through some transformations and you’ve seen me go through transformations. What do you feel is challenging about that, if anything?

Andrew: Well, the challenging part is multifaceted. It’s always going to be challenging no matter what, but that’s the point of it, right? Growth and change and positive progress should be challenging. That doesn’t mean it should be hard or bad, but it should be challenging because that’s what you’re doing. You’re challenging yourself and through that, challenging your partner.

Sarah: I was just going to ask, so when you see me wanting to up-level myself or my health or whatever it is, does that make you want to come along for the ride, or does that make you frustrated or does it make you resistant? I have my own answer, but I want to hear what you had to say.

Andrew: No, I think if it made me feel anything but wanting to support you and help you and proud of you, then we should reconsider this engagement and reconsider our living situation, because that’s the point of it. Now I will say from a relationship standpoint, it is not always as… like my spiritual growth and the amount of time I spend delving into myself will ebb and flow like you mentioned. Sometimes it will be periods of more intense and then life gets busy with things so it takes a bit of a backseat temporarily, but if you’re really determined to do it, you’ll circle back around to it. That being said, it doesn’t always match up with your ebbs and flows. Sometimes it does and they can sort of synchronize a bit; sometimes it does not. The things that I’ve noticed is yes, sometimes it will be grating. You’ll feel like your relationship is each of you on one side of a cheese grater for a time as one person is growing, because that’s oftentimes pretty emotional work and it can make things a little turbulent at home. But the perspective that I have is I’m able to step back and see that that turbulence is just the path to clear skies and smoother sailing and an elevated sky. You’re rising above the turbines as opposed to sinking below the turbulence.

Sarah: Finding clarity.

Andrew: Yeah. Calm, clarity, growth. My view on this is if you have, and this is directly out there to you guys listening that if you have a partner that is not supportive of your growth, then you should probably add some introspection into your practice concerning your relationship with that partner, because it takes two to tango, so to speak for sure, because if your partner can not be supportive and happy for you while you better yourself, then I would say 100%, they are an anchor weighing you down or just weight in your pack that you don’t need to shoulder and carry up the mountain.

Sarah: I think sometimes when and so my answer to that too, is just that when I see you deciding to even make small little transformations or habit changes, or just your own growth in your own way that looks different than mine, it always makes me really happy to see that you want to do that and that you’re taking your own initiative to do that. But then this also makes me want to look at my own patterns and habits as well. So I think you inspire me in that way.

Andrew: It should be inspirational. If your partner can’t derive any inspiration from growth that you’re doing, like I said, that’s a tough situation to be in, because …

Sarah:  I think that some partnerships… So say I was going to make a lot of dietary changes or I’ve had women in my group programs before delving into oracles and tarot cards and their partner will be like, are you turning into a witch and don’t bring that voodoo in here. Or the woman just being really, really hesitant to even bring the cards out into the open, because she doesn’t know what people are going to think. And I think that when, cause I know this happens, people have told me in the community this before that if their partner is not supporting them through whether it’s the dietary changes or the oracle card practice, that oftentimes it’s just that the person who was trying to change is reflecting back to the person who doesn’t want to change their shadow. And especially foods are an easy example where it’s like, I’m making all these dietary changes for my health and it’s been recommended to me, and the partner isn’t ready for change and might be judging themselves because they’re not ready to change. And so then they get angry at the person who is trying to change instead of just realizing that they have resistance, or they have fear.

Andrew: Yeah, and I think fear is a big portion of that because fear breeds insecurity, and if you see my partner is starting all this growth and they’re making these super positive changes, their fear could be, Oh shit, they’re going to whether it’s …

Sarah: Outgrow me.

Andrew: Outgrow me or whether it’s health and fitness, maybe, Oh God, they’re going to turn into this sexy beast.

Sarah: Right. It’s all about survival. Our entire lives in different ways is like we’re in this survival mode of he’s going to outgrow me.

Andrew: Yeah. I mean, when you get down to it, we’re still animals. We are higher-order thinkers, but we still have instincts and our instincts can be overridden to some extent, but they’re still there. And fear is probably the most base and primal of instincts and it’s a huge driver and it manifests itself in many ways. But I think the idea that if your partner is resistant to a change you’re making, that resistance could be related to their fear of you outgrowing them, or it could be related to their own insecurities. I also think that it’s possible to develop these practices in relation to what you said as far as some of your listeners delving into tarot or Oracle cards, that can be a private practice, but the results of that private practice, definitely that growth that comes from it, definitely need to be expressed and mutually accepted. And like I said, these changes can be like a cheese grater at times. So just because your partner expresses hesitancy or fear, or sort of mocks you, makes fun of you at first a little bit doesn’t mean through a little bit of time, explanation, giving examples that the partner won’t come to see the value and eventually accept it and maybe even adopt it.

Sarah: Right. So if one of the women listening decides to start using Oracle cards for guidance in her life, or to feel more grounded or confident or something, even if she’s doing that in a room with a door locked by herself, but then when she leaves that room, she has more confidence to her or she’s more grounded or she has more clear decision-making, the partner in that relationship is going to see those results and changes, and then that’s a reason to support the use of Oracle or tarot. So since we’re on that subject, what was your feeling when I started using the cards?

Andrew: I actually think you started using them a little bit before I was really fully aware of it, sort of like this private practice.

Sarah: Yeah.

Andrew: I didn’t have misgivings or anything like that. I was just like, Oh, okay. But also, for me, it makes sense with you. Other relationships may be very different, you know, coming from different backgrounds, if you’re just sort of developing this new growth sort of frame of mind and these new growth aspirations, suddenly throwing tarot cards or Oracle cards, or trying to read crystals, whatever it may be may definitely throw some people. For me in our relationship, I was just like, okay. Yeah, that tracks.

Sarah: That’s a natural path.

Andrew: That tracks. If you started sacrificing goats in the backyard, that would be a different situation.

Sarah: Well, I think that’s an important note here too, is that I think that so many people – not so many, I think some people. Maybe it’s so many, I’m not sure – see oracle and tarot as this witchy religious, I don’t even know “thing” when they’re not educated on it. And so as a partner who has no idea, except they know that gypsies, whatever people, psychics use these cards might have judgment. But like you said, if you explain that these cards have nothing to do with religion and a lot of the decks are just simply affirmations, so you’re just pulling a card with a supportive belief or affirmation to help inspire your day. And other ones are yes, goddesses or angels or related to health or have a unicorn deck. There are a million different types of decks, but it brings up the shadow in people. When the partner reacts in a negative way, you may just be doing something that is unknown to them or uncomfortable to them, that triggers this reaction of well, I don’t know anything about it, so it must be bad or something. They label it right away instead of asking what are these cards all about? Why are you using them? How are they helping you? And to me, that’s a healthier conversation than judgment upfront.

Andrew: Yeah. I agree. I think the adage of you always fear what you don’t understand is applicable here. I think generally in the sort of pop culture of tarot cards and everything, we have these visions of these little shops down an alley. You walk in and it’s dark. You go through a curtain and…

Sarah: That’s my favorite.

Andrew: And typically, a woman in this robe, in regalia, sitting behind a crystal ball.

Sarah: This is what I look for in every new city I go to.

Andrew: Yeah. You know, I think that’s the sort of image that is conjured with this stuff. And I think there’s a lot of people who think that is make-believe and movie and…

What inspires us about each other’s own journey

Sarah: Just outside of their comfort zone. I think we have to honor that and realize that some people are just not ready for that, or don’t fully understand it. So we were talking about how we’ve been through these cycles of growth and sometimes they’re together and we support each other, maybe making the same change, or other times I’m going through this intense time period in my life and you don’t have that experience at the time, but then your cycle comes later. What about moments? Can you think of any periods of our relationship, time periods of our relationship that have been where we’ve both been kind of stagnant, and what do you feel like we’ve done to kind of get out of that stagnant energy?

Andrew: Where we’ve both been stagnant at sort of the same time?

Sarah: Yes. Do you feel like there have been any moments like that?

Andrew: I don’t. Prior to Jordan dying, yes. But we were also at a very different … I don’t think either of us was aware of it. I think now we may have blips, but I’m talking about very short periods of time, like days or two, where I can feel we’re both kind of in a funk.

Sarah: But it will just be like the day.

Andrew: Yeah. Or even, I mean, you could even go like, it’s a really shitty week. I had a crappy week at work. You’ve been overly busy because it happens. It happens with everybody. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, if you’re a stay-at-home dad, a teacher, a corporate lawyer, a cop, a doctor, whatever it may be, you’ll have times where you’re just slammed busy and your introspection takes a backseat. And sometimes that happens to line up. It’s happened to us, I think like I said, in smaller blips, and I realize it because I will step back and realize, wow, we are both being shitty to each other for no fucking good reason that I can point out what’s happening.

Sarah: We don’t have long periods of that I think now, because we’re both committed to growth on a bigger picture, bigger level. I believe that we’re not always going to line up and have that growth, the same type of growth at the same time. But like me as a human being, as Sarah Small, I got all my cards on the table. Is that the right saying? Is that how you say it?

Andrew: Yeah.

Sarah: I got all my cards on the table. I want to keep evolving. I don’t want to stay the same. My hair color changes every two months. I want to keep growing and I don’t want to feel stuck. And when I look at myself in five years at this version of myself, I want to say that I have changed and evolved and grown and deepened my perspective or learning. And I think that you feel that way too. I think that you want to continue to evolve and grow and you have that personal commitment, and I have that personal commitment so that we don’t end up kind of having periods of stagnation for too long.

How we drop the comparison of each other and others

Andrew: This brings up a couple of thoughts in my head, and that is, one – I think some people think partners have to grow at the same pace, but I think it’s all dependent on where you’re starting from, and how big these leaps and change could be depending on where you’re starting from. I also think that the growth that you do doesn’t have to be, like you said, the same type of growth. I think one of the ways to encourage, we talked about this in the last episode we did together, is just open dialogue and I don’t think anything should be shielded. Everything should be laid out. All your cards should be on the table. The other thing is, I think one of the healthiest things you can do in a relationship, any type of relationship is you have to have a certain level of I guess, selfishness because you can’t take care of anyone else unless you take care of you. That goes for kids. That goes for a significant other. That goes for friendships, so take care of you first. Find a practice that works for you and baby steps, and then I think it will definitely have a positive impact on your relationship. The third thing is it makes me think of how we are so quick to compare whether it’s in a relationship, me comparing myself to Sarah vice versa, or me comparing myself to my friends like, oh man, dude, his spiritual practice is rad. He’s so much better at this shit than me or even in the age of – this is going to make me sound super old – the age of social media, but all of that stuff is curated to show the very best. It’s rare for a person on social media to literally just document everything, both the rough and the good and just real life. And even then, they’re still selecting what they’re going to show you. So, I think the best way to put it is compare yourself to the previous version of yourself. And whether that’s in your diet, your healthy diet changes you’re making, your health status. If you say, man, I did this detox and I have so much more clarity or I have less H. Pylori, or I have a much better handle on managing the symptoms of my chronic illness or whether it’s in the gym and you’re looking at the person next to you like, damn, that person looks great, but you don’t know where they started to compare yourself to the previous version of you.

Sarah: I love that. That’s beautiful. I love you.

Andrew: I love you too.

Sarah: Why do we always record these on the ground?

Andrew: Because I’m most comfortable on the ground

Sarah: We’re just lying on the ground with the microphone in between us, talking into it. Bella came in here for a little bit of our conversation, our dog. She always wants to be part of the party. So, I just want to say thank you for sharing and being open and vulnerable, and I want to give you an opportunity to share anything else that came up for you during this conversation.

Andrew: Besides Bella’s butt hole in my face at one point?

Sarah: That’s what you get for lying on the ground and recording a podcast.

Andrew: I like the ground. So many things. I could ramble on for hours cause I’m full of hot air, but

Sarah: Use your own podcast, honey.

Andrew: Yikes, that would be terrifying. I think the biggest things to take from this are growth. Think about it when you were just hitting puberty. Growth is not always a comfortable thing. For me, my feet got huge. I shot up like I don’t even know. I grew so fast and I was super tall, super skinny with huge feet. My voice cracked like crazy and it was extremely uncomfortable. And looking back at that, I can realize it because I look to where it got me and I’m happy with it, so comparing myself to a previous version of myself. And just remember that the relationships that we have, they should be work. Like I said, progress should be challenging, but that’s the point of it because with challenge comes big rewards. So your relationship should be challenging.

Sarah: It’s funny you say that. I feel like when I was younger, I avoided all conflict and I hated commitment and confrontation.

Andrew: I can confirm it.

Sarah: And so I thought that my ideal relationship was one that had no challenges, like it was just a walk in the park, piece of cake, just so easy and that people who had struggles and challenges didn’t have a good relationship. And now I’m realizing that that walk in the park would be the most boring fucking thing ever.

Andrew: It’s white bread.

Sarah: It’s white bread. Yes.

Andrew: Literally white bread.

Sarah: And that I love that we challenge each other and that that’s a huge part of our healthy relationship and the way that we’ve grown into where we are now. And it’s so different from where I came from and what I thought I wanted, but I think it just goes to show you that you can always change your mind and that the challenge is not always a bad thing.

Andrew: Yeah. The challenge will be the most rewarding thing and it will make the easy moments seem even easier. I mean, like we just got back from vacation and we had our challenges while we were getting there. But once we got there, it was pretty smooth sailing, you know, and that’s obviously a very specific example, but just goes to show, it took 30 hours to travel halfway across the country and that should never be the case. We could have driven there in that time, but it made us getting there even sweeter. And that being said, with the challenge and the progress, if it gets to a point where it’s not serving you i.e. a relationship, whether that’s with a friend, a family member, a significant other, or even parts of yourself, it might be that is then an opportunity for you to really dive deep in that and do some introspection and figure out if that is worth carrying. And if it’s not, do the challenging thing and shed it because it’s just going to anchor you down to where you are and prevent you from growing.

Sarah: Awesome. Thank you.

Andrew: Thank you.

Sarah: Love you.

Andrew: Love you too.

Sarah: We’ll see you guys next time. Hope you enjoyed our banter.

Andrew: Bye.

Sarah: Bye.

Sarah: Thanks for tuning in to today’s episode. I hope you enjoyed our conversation about spiritual growth when you are in a relationship. And if you were looking to really hone in on your spiritual gifts and unleash your intuition, your higher self, that guide that is within each and every one of you, I invite you to join me in the Autoimmune Tribe Facebook group for five days, starting this coming Monday, and we’re going to be going through the Intuitive Games. This is my second time hosting the Intuitive Games, and it’s just a fun opportunity for you to test some of your intuitive abilities, see what feels challenging, what comes naturally to you so you can really tap into those spiritual gifts. It is completely free, just in the Facebook group so I’ll drop a link in the show notes and come join us. See you next time.

 

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