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In this episode, I discuss:

• My spiritual awakening
• Finding Yoga
• Finding Spirit, Angels, and Soul energy
• Creating Autoimmune Tribe

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Episode Transcript:

Welcome to the Healing Uncensored podcast. My name is Sarah Small and I am a health and mindset coach for women with autoimmune disease, just like you. I absolutely love helping you tap into your self-healing power, uncover the energetic side of healing, and release limiting beliefs around your body, and your life. Think of this podcast is everything you wouldn’t hear at your doctor’s office. It’s a place for empowered souls to move beyond food, and heal themselves on a soul level. I hope you enjoy today’s episode now. Let’s begin.

Hi tribe, so glad to be in your ear today. I just wanted to hop on and talk about coming out of the spiritual closet. And I want to be really honest with you here, for a second, because I have a little bit of nerves. I feel a little vulnerable sharing this story, but I know this is a safe and supportive community, and I love you all so much. So I’m going to share this story today, and take with you what you will.

So this is my story of coming out of the spiritual closet. I think part of my nerves around this, is that we all have such different beliefs. And my story is going to look different than each and every one of your stories. What I hope is that it simply empowers you. And then, it allows us to have more conversations around this spiritual closet that some of us are in. And with, also, respect for any religions or other types of spirituality that are out there and exist. So please know, that this experience that I’m sharing with you is just simply my experience. And it is not to push or force any thoughts in your head. And in fact, I would love that after this episode, if you feel inspired to share in the Autoimmune Tribe Facebook group, what your spiritual experience has been in your life.

My spiritual awakening

I love hearing other women’s stories about spirituality. That’s part of why I’m sharing today is because I love hearing these stories, and I thought, you know what? I’m going to share mine. So here we go. When my brother died, there were so many decisions to be made. I remember that June day, and the day after we had found out he passed, going to the funeral home. And there were so many freaking decisions. What urn do you want? What do you want his obituary to say? What design do you want to put on the program? Searching through literally thousands of photos of him, pulling out the ones that… There was not any sort of criteria, I guess the ones I liked the best and putting them onto posters that really embodied who he was. Picking a photo of him to put into the actual program, and into the newspaper for his obituary. There are all of these decisions. But beyond all these questions and decisions that are being made, which in fact, were challenging to answer, because my brain was in a completely different place. So, my brain wanted to grieve and then, all of these things seem to be thrown at me.

There was also this other decision that I had to make. How was I going to live my life from this day forward? First, it was more of an if. Can I live my life? How could something this tragic, actually happen? The world is fucked up. Do I even want to be here anymore? That is a pretty quickly reconciled, that I did in fact, want to live. Even if Jordan would no longer be with me in physical form. The questions then turned into so deep, deep soul searching. I asked myself things like, how I choose to live out the rest of my short life here on earth in this physical body? And that Sunday morning, when I finally saw all of those missed calls, and called my dad back, and found out my brother had passed. I didn’t like who I was. I didn’t like how I was acting. I didn’t like who I was, because I wasn’t being true to myself. The true Sarah was just hiding, and she wasn’t nice to herself. And I thought in general, Hey, I’m a good person. But I felt so separate from the world. I knew I could be better, but I wasn’t living up to my full potential. And at the time, I was in a romantic fricking hurricane. I held onto deep guilt and resentment.

And I second-guessed everything I said. Have you guys ever had that? You have social hangovers. You go home after two, three hours hanging out with your friends, or out to dinner with a friend, or something. And you go home and you’re okay, now I’m going to completely debrief the entire conversation. What did I say? What didn’t I ask? What should I have asked? Did I say too much? Did I say too little? That, was mean. I was always wondering, is this going to hurt somebody’s feelings? Is this going to be offensive to so-and-so? I hope that this came off the right way. I hope someone so understands me. I felt so deeply misunderstood, and utterly lost.

I was working remotely as a full-time chief of staff for an international non-profit organization. That highlighted hope and success in food and agriculture. And it provided me a lot of opportunity, but a very small paycheck. And because I worked from home every day, I had lost the sense of community that I had experienced in other aspects of my life. Like when I was in high school, or on my college campus, or at the yoga studio. And all of a sudden I was craving this connection to others. But then, every decision I had made, created more space between me and others. So it was like this self-sabotage. And I felt like a ticking time bomb about to fricking explode. And my life had been relatively stressful up to that point, as well. I had been through some shit, but I always kept myself under control, put together. I hit deadlines. I turned in my assignments. I showed up for people.

And now, that day, that June day, my life was about to unravel. So sad, grieving, and without words, I began to redefine myself, my life. And that was the moment I started to come out of the spiritual closet, because I had so many questions. I asked myself a million freaking times, what do I believe in? What now? What’s next? I never had any religious beliefs. My parents are Christians, or would define themselves as Christians, but it was never forced upon me or by my three younger siblings growing up. I remember having a children’s Bible that told some of these main stories of the Bible, in a kid-friendly way. But I also remember not completely understanding or resonating. And they just felt like stories, because it was presented to me like a storybook. So I really didn’t believe in anything. And in school, we were taught about evolution, and the big bang theory. Which to me, was a little bit of what I was searching for because I was like, what is this fricking world?

They put a little bit of explanation on how we developed as human beings into these intellectual beings. But really that scientific understanding of evolution did not fill my spiritual void. The why, the deep, deep, why I asked myself. What do I believe in? Why are we here on this planet? Why am I in this physical body? What am I here to serve to this world? So when I moved out of my childhood home, I went off to college. I asked myself again, it’s like I had more space to breathe, and really figuring out who I was, not who I was, in a family, as part of a family.

And I asked, what do I believe in? And as this blossoming adult, I saw some of my peers choosing to go to church or go to the college chapel on Sundays, even without their parents’ supervision. Because I thought all my friends only go to church because their parents make them. But it turned out even as adults, there was something in that chapel or that church that they wanted, they kept going back to. And I really respected that, but I also didn’t understand it. And I didn’t resonate with it. And hearing, I’m going to be very, very honest with you guys. When I would hear the word God or Christ in conversation, or someone would say, Oh, will you pray with me? I would shudder. It made me so uncomfortable. So, I decided that I should probably start reading about God, G-O-D right? The G-word. So I picked up a few books, and I decided to approach this void in my life without judgment. I just thought, you know what? I’m just going to start from the beginning. And I am completely open to learning. And if I could choose my own beliefs, I might as well see what’s out there.

Finding yoga

What do I choose to believe? But I ended up feeling let down. I ended up feeling disappointed and nothing, still, nothing felt right to me. I was still so unsure. These books didn’t answer my questions, and I was still lost. And I went back into the spiritual void of not having spirituality. And then at the end, or towards the end of college, I found yoga. And it was completely for a physical benefit. That’s what got me into that studio, which now, I know that’s what brings most people there, but what they get out of it is so much greater. But in yoga, I developed this understanding of how the body, can weave breath to movement. And that started to resonate with me. I learned about the doshas, the sutras, the asana practice, pranayama, and this deeper awareness of myself.

That awareness started to fill up that spiritual void. Yoga, became my religion. It was a safe place. It was constant. And it was a sanctuary where I found hope, and healing, and love for myself. And it was a beautiful community. The first yoga studio I ever taught at, my boss was amazing. She was there every day, cultivating meaningful relationships with all of the students, learning everyone’s name, literally everyone’s name. And everyone was welcomed there, no matter your shape, your size, your color, your sex, your religion, your race. And that sense of community felt so fulfilling. It felt like home. It felt so good inside because I realized it was something that I had lacked. It was something that even in high school and college, I was surrounded by these people, the sense of community, but there was no greater purpose there. There was no spirituality. So that spiritual void started to fill up a little bit with yoga. And just knowing that I had this place to share my breath and energy with these kindred spirits.

But when Jordan died, this was no longer enough. When you are standing over your little brother’s dead body, you can no longer share breath with him. His body was lifeless. It was no longer full of energy. I could feel his presence, but it was so obvious that he was no longer in that physical form. And so, my spiritual practice that I thought I had developed pretty well through yoga, was no longer enough. Nothing felt like enough. The world didn’t make fucking sense. And the human mind naturally, wants to find some sort of logical reasoning. That left brain. But for this, there was no logical reasoning. There was nothing to fill the void of unknowing. There was no why. At least, he couldn’t talk back to me, he couldn’t tell me why. I couldn’t ask him why he left. And he didn’t leave us any indication of why he left. It was up to each of us, and everyone that knew him, to digest that loss of my brother. It was up to us to give his death, whatever meaning that we chose. And it was up to us to figure out how to move forward and live in his absence.

Even as I say this right now, I find this deep feeling of gratitude. Because for so long, I had anger around why? And not ever having, or being able to receive that clear answer on why, why did he do it? And now, I realized that him not leaving a note, and not truly explaining, or telling us why, was actually a little gift to each of us. I’m going to get emotional saying this, but that is one of the greatest gifts that I’ve actually ever received. Because I’ve been able to then, take this grief and make it into whatever I wanted to. And I quickly decided that I wanted to give my brother’s life meaning in my own way. And, it had meaning to everyone who knew him already, in their own way. But I wanted to share his spirit, outside of the circle of people who knew him.

And some of you listening, have never met my brother. Most of you listening, never had the chance to meet my brother. But my hope is that you still feel like, you know, a little bit about my brother, or you felt his energy, you felt his presence through me. And I relished in this opportunity to be able to talk about him, and tell the world what he was like. So on the days following his death, I wrote his eulogy. On the day of his service, I shared the Jordan that I knew, with the standing room only filled room, actually filled three rooms. And I clutched onto my other little brother Joe’s hand, as he and my sister, Anna and I, all stood up at the podium. We each had something to say, but I held my brother’s hand that whole time, in fear of passing out, as I spoke these words and I spoke my truth. And then, it was over. And everyone went home.

My family and I were left to carry on, and to go to bed at night, and wake up in the morning, and carry on with life, and work, and responsibilities. But nothing felt okay. And I basked in this sadness, and I was not ready to move on. It did not seem fair that I had to move on. So two weeks later I went back to my home in Chicago and still nothing felt, okay. Everything felt different. There was this absence, this void. In a once colorful city of Chicago, felt so grey. Less than a month later, I moved back to Michigan to be closer to family and get out of a grey city. And I attempted to escape my problems and build a different life. But strange things started happening. Things that I had no explanation for. And there are a whole laundry list of these experiences that I’ve had, since that day in 2015. I just want to share one of them with you.

Finding Spirit, Angels, and Soul energy

My mom started seeing a clairvoyant in town, and having these amazing readings, and getting these messages from my brother. And not having been in these readings with her, I was, whoa, what is this all about, mom? Do you believe in these things? Dad, what do you think? Joe, Anna, what are your thoughts? And I loved being able to hear my mom’s experience with this psychic, because it felt like I was there a little bit, that I got to keep that energy of Jordan alive. So I’m still skeptical, but I decided to keep my mind open about the idea of spirit, and angels, and soul energy. And my dad, he wasn’t open to the idea of medium-ship, but he did have this deep connection to spirit.

And then, on one day, a particular heavy grieving. My dad told me this story. He got into his car and he started driving. And as he was driving on his dashboard, where your GPS images show up and everything, he received a text through the car’s Bluetooth that said, I’ll see you at four. That text was from Jordan Small. So he took a picture of it, for proof. Because he didn’t want anyone to think he was crazy. And he sent it to my sister, my brother and I. And there it was, a cryptic text from Jordan Small. So, I was in disbelief and shock almost. And I thought there has to be a message. There’s a message in this. And I Googled angel number four. It indicates that your angels are there to provide guidance, love, and support. And just to call on them for what you need help with. And the number four also happened to be my brother’s soccer and lacrosse Jersey number.

It’s also important to note here that Jordan’s actual literal phone, was just sitting on my dad’s living room table. It’s turned off. It hasn’t been used. My mom was still paying the bill. So the phone and phone number were still completely active, just not turned on. So the number hadn’t been, you know, it wasn’t some new person that had taken his phone number over, somewhere in the world. It was still completely active, just wasn’t turned on. So at 4:00 p.m. that day, I thought, you know what? Let’s see, what’s going to happen at four. He says, I’ll see you at four. Let’s see. So I took a short break from work and I went outside, and it was a beautiful sunny day. And I lived in Detroit at that time. And I sat outside on a bench and I gazed up into the sky. And I felt scared by the text at first, maybe my dad was going to join my brother in the spirit world that I totally didn’t understand, at 4:00 p.m. that day. A few minutes after four, and I didn’t get any crazy phone calls. And I thought, you know what? This doesn’t need to be scary. There’s peace in this message. My dad was really struggling with grief and he got a message at just the right time. That message to me, the way I interpret it now, is a message of comfort. It’s a message of warmth. And it is something that brings, even though I have not received that message in my car, it brings me great peace.

I learned later that, past loved ones often tend to interrupt radio channels. They call from strange zero, zero, zero, or unknown numbers. They play songs with ironic messages on the radio. So at 4:00 p.m. on that day, as I was looking up at the sky, I decided that I was going to be open to receiving messages from energy beyond my understanding, from spirit guides, from angels, from past loved ones, and especially, from my brother. And my dad, he continues to receive versions of that same freaking message to this day. So variations like, “I’ll see you at four”, “See you around four”. And, when I was first planning this podcast episode out, I got a text from my dad with a picture again, of his car, with a message again, from my brother that said, “I’ll see you around four.” The unexplainable things that have happened to me since that day, that my brother had passed, are no longer unexplainable, because I choose to give them meaning. And I believe that they are simply messages from spirit. They’re little blips of contact. And in that case, it’s that message of, “Hey, I’m here. You can still talk to me. I’m still here for you.” And that brings so much peace to me.

I was just talking to a friend this week, about how it’s really too painful for me to think that there’s nothing beyond death. It’s honestly too painful. And now, I have all of these little moments of proof. That our soul expands beyond our physical body. So I choose to open myself up to these messages from spirit, and I allow them to guide me on my path. And I have taken an incredible intuitive journey into what I believe. We all have intuition. We all have psychic ability, and we all are able to communicate with our past loved ones, if we want. If we’re open to it, if we ask for messages, it’s not just going to come to you, because we have free will as well. And you don’t have to open yourself up if you do not want to open yourself up.

But I have decided to open myself up, and allow all this energy to guide me on my path. And it’s been a beautiful journey. And it’s one I’m still on. And one that has continued to get stronger, and stronger, and stronger to the point that I now receive clear hearing, which is clear audience. Within this unfolding and unraveling, it has not always been pretty. This deep spiritual shift has also caused me to break away from some of my tribe, and my family. And let me just say something to all of you, there is nothing more painful than breaking away from your tribe. Because as humans, we absolutely need connection for survival. And so, while I’ve found a sense of community in new, and beautiful ways, and places. I have not been unscathed by this awakening, as I’ve gone through this awakening.

What happens is your vibration changes, in order to open yourself up to these message. But the people that you probably used to associate with, they may, may or may not stay at that same vibration you used to be at. And while you still may deeply love and care for those people, they likely no longer align with your new vibration. They are not a vibrational match. Again, it does not mean you can’t be friends, or in the case of your family, you can’t still love them, because of course you can. But you may notice that when you are around them, you feel like your energy is being brought down, or are you being filled with pessimistic or negative thoughts.

Creating Autoimmune Tribe

We all have a choice here. I encourage you to make the choice that supports your healing. That allows you to surround yourself with people that vibrate at your level. And know that this journey has growing pains. And you might come out with a couple of bruises, but here’s what I can share with you. After having gone through all of this, I wouldn’t go back to my old self. I love her. I forgive her. I accept her, but I have up-leveled and I don’t want to go back to that lower vibration. So I look at some of these scratches and bruises from this whole awakening, and shift, and experience. And I say, thank you. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for challenging me. Thank you for always allowing me my own free will and choice. Some people in my life have come along for this journey and some haven’t. Some have actively disagreed, but I accept and love all of them, where they are in their own healing path.

And I welcome each and every one of you with big open arms. Who might want to be part of a community. Who are feeling disconnected because of your own spiritual awakening, transformation and shift. If you’re not there yet, it’s okay. We accept everybody. And I want you to know that, you, do not have to do this alone. We do not have to do this alone. Loneliness is the deepest kind of pain. You are not alone. Autoimmune Tribe community is a place for you to come, for you to heal, for you to be real, and raw, and vulnerable, and transparent. It’s a place for you to not be okay sometimes, and be okay with not being okay. Because your emotions are real as fuck. Let’s honor them. And honor each and every one of these kindred spirits, who are on their own unique path. And we are just here to support each other, and accept them as they are, where they are on their path.

Thanks for tuning in. I want to extend an invitation to you to be part of a soulful community. 21 Days of Healing is my signature program. It’s three weeks of connection to like-minded, kindred spirits, women who are also on their own healing path. This program is for you if you have hit a healing plateau, if you have negative emotions like anger, frustration, sadness around illness. You feel like you need to cleanse your energy. You feel like that inner control freak won’t settle down. Maybe you’ve tried all the diets for autoimmune, but you still aren’t feeling good, and you crave peace of mind and body acceptance. You want to break out of the funk, and start living an amazing aligned life. And you want the support of a community, as you go through this, because remember you are not alone. I would be honored to be your guide for these 21 days of sacred healing. I want to see you inside if this sounds like you. Click the link in the show notes, and I’ll see you in there.

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